Sit and Stare

Sit and stare. Sit and stare. No focus. No motivation. Inner dialog that can't form a cohesive train of positive thought. Only frustration. Only negative. Only questions...

Why? Why God?! Where is God? Why is this happening to me? What am I gonna do? Why won't anybody hire me? How am I going to pay bills? What's wrong with me? Where is my happiness? Where is my strength? Where is my motivation? Second guessing, second guessing, why, why, why??!!

Apparently, I'm supposed to struggle. Builds character. My character is a basket case. No money. No food. No ideas. Twenty-two applications. No call backs. Bad haircut. Hate the way I look. Disappointment. Judgement. No one to talk to. Alone. In my head. With my thoughts.

Sit and stare. Sit. And. Stare.

The Living Dead

Greetings, my love. Long time no see. To say that I have missed you, would be a crime. There is much to say, where do I begin?

A terrifying, new beginning is in front of me. I'm on a dark, desolate highway, lights off, speeding madly into the vast expanse. This last one nearly killed me. I am empty, devoid of happiness, passion, excitement, motivation, energy, hope—it's just gone. I am the living dead. I feel nothing. I say nothing. I don't watch TV, I don't listen to music, I don't read, I don't write, I don't take pictures, I don't eat out, I don't go out. I just don't want to do anything, or be anything. It's like everything that makes me, ME, is gone. My soul has taken flight and it left behind a ghost that resembles what's left of Traci. 

I don't know what to wish for. I don't know what to pray for. I don't know what to do, or who to be. I don't know how to replenish my empty vessel, not that I even care anymore. I guess, for now, what I will do is, I will be obedient to the One who told me I needed you. You need to write, He said. And write I will, Lord, but be careful what You ask for. This time, it may be brutal.

T