Entanglement

Does everybody have that one person from their past that they still carry a torch for? It doesn't have to even be a torch really...could be a candle, or even a tiny smoldering ember. It's always there, though, somewhere in the back of your mind, eating away a little bit of your heart with every rhythmic beat. Maybe it was a passionate love affair that ended abruptly, and left you craving more. Maybe it was true love, but the timing was all wrong. Maybe it ended badly, and you wish you could have a do over. Whatever the case may be, this person, this love, still lingers.  Love is unkind, cruel, harsh, and unfair. It is also magical, beautiful, uplifting, and rare. What is it about this single emotion that makes us crazy. We chase love our entire lives hoping to find it, and when we think we have, we become selfish, jealous, needy, clingy and desperate in order to hang on to it. Well, that is not the way to hold on to love, now is it? It has taken me a very long time to understan...

Today was a good day—no, today was a great day. I don't know what miracles are taking place in the Universe right now, or who is out there sending me positive energy, but today I felt it, and I give thanks. I feel rejuvenated, cleansed, peaceful, and blissfully happy for no reason whatsoever. I just woke up feeling and knowing that my life right now is like the calm before the storm, but in all the best ways possible. Once I made the decision to let go—really let go of all the emotional baggage, old habits, unhealthy feelings, worry, fear and negativity—it took a few days to hit me, but I'm free . I am no longer a prisoner of my past. I have a clean slate, a chance to start fresh! Excitement has replaced fear, giddiness has replaced worry, confidence has replaced insecurity. I can be, do, or have whatever my heart desires because of letting go, having faith, and accepting all the wondrous things I know are in store for me. A few months ago, I made a choice for change. I stepp...

The construction crew at the marina behind my house got an early start this morning. I pried my eyeballs open and glanced at the clock...0710...ugh! I rolled over and put a pillow over my head in an attempt to drown out the noise. I really wanted to be aggravated and pissed off that I was awake. I was having a really good dream, too! I lay there for a short while, and decided that maybe there was a reason for me to be up. Maybe instead of starting the day with a negative attitude, I should embrace the day and all good things the Universe is bringing me this moment. I crept down the hall and looked in on my two sleeping beauties who were oblivious to all the commotion happening just outside their window. I smiled and gave thanks for them—my greatest joy. Right now, for me, it takes a conscious effort to maintain an upbeat, happy attitude. Perhaps with a little work and some consistency, it will eventually become something that comes as naturally as breathing. Worry and negativity are ...

I lay in bed until the wee hours of this morning listening to my thoughts drown out the soft, rhythmic hum of the ceiling fan. I thought about my family and friends and gave thanks. I tried to picture my life six months from now...a year from now...ten. Who will I be? Where will I be? Will I be happy? Will I be successful? Will I be in love? Alone? I wondered.. what lessons am I supposed to be learning right now ? Patience to be sure, tolerance maybe, acceptance, or maybe I'm just learning that I have to let it all go and in doing so, some or all of what I'm looking for will find me . If it doesn't then I have to learn to be okay with that, too. I just wish I could shake this feeling that I'm waiting for my life to start. I feel like a sprinter poised at the ready waiting for the signal to start the race. Why can't I pick up my feet and get moving already? Where is my excitement, my enthusiasm, my passion? How long will this feeling last? Why do I feel unable to cha...

This last month would have been unbearable were it not for your gentle guiding hand and your daily words of inspiration. You remind me every day of my value and worth in this world, and you never let me forget that I can do anything, be anything, even if I don't believe it myself right now, you do. You calm my spirit when I am anxious. You comfort me in sadness. You made me understand that I don't need to see the big picture, that it's okay not to have all the answers right now, this second. Be patient ...you say... because you will see that in time everything you are dreaming of will come to you . Your best years are yet to come, they are right in front of you .  Thank you for my life. Thank you for knowing when to give me tough love and when to save me. Thank you for your unwavering support throughout my crazy life. Thank you for laughter and silliness. Thank you for teaching me about etiquette, sophistication, and how to enter a room. I am who I am because of what you...

I know I quite often say that anything is possible , or that everything happens for a reason ...both of which are firmly held beliefs...Well, the Universe sent me an angel today to help remind me to hold fast to my faith.... I was in a foul mood this morning. No need to rehash why, but the last thing I wanted to do was get in the car and drive the girls to the mall. A friend listened to me vent ( thank you, btw ), and then told me to just go have fun with my girls. I took the advice to heart, tried to lighten my mood, and headed out the door knowing the mall is the last place you want to be when you have no money to spend. Our first stop, and my favorite store on the planet ...Barnes and Noble! I am a confessed book-a-holic. Barnes and Noble is like my crack house. The doors open up and it hits you...the smell of new books, and fresh hot lattes being ordered up somewhere in the store. For me, it's a place of anonymity...serenity...a place I can go to calm the voice within, and slo...

A short forty-five minute drive from my new diggs you can be in chintzy Bavarian heaven. I'd never been to Helen, so I decided to take the girls and see what all the fuss was about. Aside from a traffic jam...yes, traffic jam ...(only in my Universe does this happen) in Cleveland, GA., the ride was uneventful. It reminded me a little bit of our drive to Dollywood years ago, minus the one-stop-shop wedding chapel/small engine repair/putt-putt golf! There was no shortage of cheesy log cabins with jacuzzi tubs for rent. The antiques market must be a booming business because there seemed to be one every hundred yards or so—even my daughter remarked at the spectacle... Mom, that's not even an antique shop...it's someone's house . That's unky..... Pulling into this mock little German town I expected...I don't know what I expected. Having actually been to Germany, I could see some symmetry, but my girls laughed... laughed ! Look at the Subway...hahaha...look at the Day...

You know, it's the little things in life that truly make me giddy. I became so excited recently when I discovered I could wear my nice bras once again. Seriously, this time last year I was sporting a contraption that looked like a boob girdle. It had about 17 hooks in the back and three yards of fabric. Once I was all strapped in and trussed up, I was unable to take a deep breath for fear the industrial grade steel used to form the underwire might impale me. Where there should have been boob s~ sss~ plural... the big girl bra did more lifting and smashing than lifting and separating. ..there was just boob. I had this monoboob jutting out from my frame like a shelf. Add to that: gray hair, chin whiskers, back fat, and a great big ass...oh yeah, I was a vision.  Fast forward a year and I've finally got my figure back. Hallelujah!! I opened the drawer containing my most expensive collection of lingerie...Wacoal, Chantelle, lacy, frilly, sexy... YES!!  Like I said, giddy. People w...

One of my favorite sensations in all the world, is feeling the wind blow. Not wind blown like riding in a convertible, or speeding across the water in a ski boat. I'm talking about the gentle breeze that comes rustling through the trees and softly caresses your being. Lucky for me, there is almost always a breeze coming off the lake. I take a moment, close my eyes, feel the warm sun on my face, feel the wind whip up tiny tendrils of hair that tickle my lips, and imagine I am the puffed white seedling of a dandelion waiting for a favorable current to carry me away.  I love strong winds right before the deluge of a rainstorm, too. Senses heightened—you can see the trees bowed over succumbing to the wind shear...you can hear branches creak and moan as they bend, sway and gnash together in a tangled dance...and you can smell the approaching rain. It is as humbling as it is beautiful to me. This living, breathing planet on which we live gives us eye candy to behold every day. Some...

Last night while the rest of you enjoyed the fireworks displays at whatever gatherings you attended, I was soaking in a nice hot tub. I was hoping the water, bubbles and wine would help me relax; help me forget, just how lonely these past couple of days have been. I'm really good at alienating people, and I thought I was good at being alone. As I lay there listening to distant booms and pops from people celebrating with their families, I began to cry—really sob for the first time in a long time. I pulled my knees up under my chin, my body shaking. The tears came, silently at first, and then like a dam bursting, the emotional flood erupted. Tears came in waves of regret for all the mistakes I've made, they came with feelings of sorrow over two failed marriages, and they came with anguish over pushing away one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. When the well of tears was run dry, I lay in bed with lingering snubs that lulled me into a dreamless sleep. This morning...

When your entire life has been about your children, it's hard letting go—even (and especially in my case) if it's into the hands of their own father. This weekend families will gather 'round, eat tasty barbecue, laugh, mingle and ooohhh and aaahhh over fireworks' displays. I will spend it alone, with a glass of wine thinking back on all of the Fourth of July holidays spent in the company of those I loved. I struggle to find my place...find myself ...in this new life of my own making. Instead of freedom, confidence and a strong sense of self, suddenly I feel misunderstood, unsure and keenly aware that I don't know how to live for me. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself for the next three days. What a wonderful gift I have been able to give my children... myself ... all of me ...so much so that I am incomplete without them. I am like a child learning to walk for the first time. I know I will stumble, but who will be there to pick me up, brush me off and ...

Finding someone in this life who understands you— really understands, really gets who you are and actually wants to, is like searching for the Holy Grail, you begin to wonder if it even exists. Forget about ever finding someone who will love you no matter what, without condition—you'd sooner find a unicorn, or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I hear my childlike inner voice sassing me... just because you haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist . Well, let me tell you I'm all done lookin'. If it is out there, it's going to have to come looking for me, and it better show up looking like a mythical creature in order for me to believe. If you are in a relationship and you are saying... but I do love my husband/wife no matter what. ..think about this—loving someone unconditionally means you love them with perfect love despite their flaws. So, when your husband leaves his tighty whiteys on the bathroom floor, skid mark side up for you to ogle... d...