Entanglement

Let go of your past. Letting go does not mean forgetting it. It means stopping the holding on, ending the clinging to your past as if you are going to drown without it. You are drowning because of it.  ~Neale Donald Walsch How apropos for me this morning as I sit here reflecting on my past, specifically the past year. I was packing boxes this time last year, preparing to leave a marriage and a home that had defined me for more than twelve years. I was taking a giant leap of faith that I would find happiness, love and career on the other side of forty. Where am I today? Happy? Most days I am genuinely happy. I enjoy time spent in solitude, dreaming of all the possibilities that might be. I laugh every day and am grateful for my girls who let me be silly and who understand me on a level that is not of this earth. Happiness has not eluded me—love on the other hand... Love? Yes, I have been able to fall in love, to find my heart still beats, still yearns, and still searches for ...

Heartache is not just a word—it is an actual physical reaction. The heart aches to be near the one you love. I know because I feel it, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I wish I didn't love so deeply, but how do you fall in love just a little bit? I feel my heart beating out its rhythm in my chest and I think... it doesn't even belong to me, it belongs to someone else... captured...stolen away during an intimate moment when hearts were being shared in quiet whispers in the dark. The thing about lending your heart to another is of course, that it may be broken, so in that moment of giving, you greet your greatest fear...heart break. Almost immediately another dialog begins making you doubt whether you can afford to truly give yourself one more time. Then, somewhere in the midst of all the second guessing, the soothing godspeak in my head calms me. I let go and breathe.