The Six Flags Diet

Feeling low? Maybe you've gained a few l-b's, and you are feeling badly about the way you look. Well, let me tell you how to fix that. The quickest way to boost your self esteem is to spend the day at an amusement park or a state fair. You will come home feeling downright sexy! I pay good money to go to Six Flags just to people watch. My family gets to have a blast riding roller coasters, and my ego gets lifted—it's great! Nope, no Jenny Craig, Deal-a-Meal or gym membership can shock your system like an ogling at your local fun park. Muffin top used to have one meaning—now it is also used to describe the disturbing, fat, fleshy overhang of skin around a woman's mid section that is usually protruding from her three sizes too small Hollister t-shirt. You know she looked in the mirror before she left her house, and thought she was dressed. She probably thought she looked gooood, too. Really, is that supposed to be sexy in any way? Do men see that and think...man I would love to tap that?! Maybe there are some twisted fellas out there that find that look sexy, but I'm guessing they are not modeling for GQ.

I was nervous last summer when we went to Six Flags. I was still a hefty girl, and was more than a little worried about my big ass fitting into the teeny tiny "seats" on the roller coasters. Have you ever heard the saying...trying to put ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag? Well...I watched in horror as three muffin tops before me got handed their walking papers because once they had stuffed and molded their ten pounds of plumpy parts into the five pounds of seat, the lap bar would not slam down over their thunderous thighs. It was not for lack of trying either. Those attendants tried repeatedly to maneuver and jostle that lap bar in a vain attempt not to have to humiliate another over sized woman. So, clearly you can feel my angst at the moment it was my turn to shove my ten pounds of junk into the seat. Mercifully, I fit. Of course I now know why they make those seats so damn small. Fat people have no business riding roller coasters. My inner thighs were black and blue for a week from clenching down in terror during the fifty-five second ride, and I was dizzy and nauseated for an hour afterwards. Yeah. I've had my Goliath experience, and once was enough for me.

I can't avoid another trip to Six Flags this year. After all, I have two eager young girls (and one husband) who are adrenaline junkies just like we all were at that age. I'll have less junk this year, thankfully, but I think my excuse this time may have to be that older folks should not ride eighty mile per hour roller coasters, or any roller coasters for that matter. I don't enjoy coming home from a day at Six Flags feeling like I need to be in traction. So, maybe I'll just sit idly by and people watch because it does do a body good!