Longings

What do you do when you wake up in the morning and feel empty—like a fragile shell that could shatter into a million pieces at the slightest breath of air. My heart aches today with actual physical pain that spreads throughout my body, a feeling I am not familiar with, actual heartache. There is an icy loneliness in my soul despite the warm laughter of my children just moments ago. I have lived my life for them these past years with a love that only God Himself can measure. I realize now that, too soon they will pull away from the threadbare apron strings that tie them so closely to me, as they try and find themselves in this world. What will my life be after that? 

I want to feel love and happiness again. I want purpose in my life. I want success and prosperity. I want to laugh until it hurts, every day. I want to sit on a white sand beach cradled in the arms of someone I can't live without. I want to sing. I want to hike into the mountains and skinny dip in a crystal clear pool of water. My soul longs for such things. I want to put aside my fear and have the courage to experience life—my life lived on my terms. 

Selfish? Hell yes it's selfish, but we owe it to ourselves to be happy in this life. Life is short after all. Do we waste it? Do we squander our gift? Life is a gift. Life should not be a chore or a rut or monotonous. There is nothing wrong with wanting more from life. Perhaps that is why the heart aches. It is an announcement to the soul to get on with the business of living, loving and laughing...you just have to be willing to surrender to it.