Tip #1 Exercise
Two words—Kegel exercise. If you don't know what that is, then you need to learn. Forget cardio, ab crunches and glute workouts. If you have an anaconda death grip on your man's fun stick during sex he won't care that you've put on twenty pounds since summer. He might even want to get it on more often, which I don't have to tell you is a win-win situation. After forty it is the most important exercise we ladies can do. It also helps keep that little drop of tinkle in when you sneeze. Some of you just went, aaahhh...light bulb moment!
Tip #2 Ambiance
If you've never done a Kegel, then you need to turn the lights off and the music up. Trust me on this one. Your man is going to have his eyes closed anyway so he can block out the lovely vision of your tits up under your armpits and forget that your belly button has disappeared under a roll of fat. Oh, and the sex face he's making isn't because you are rockin' his world, it's because your stubbly legs are raking his back like a cheese grater, and he is in pain. He's picturing Megan Fox in his mind anyway, and if he happens to open his eyes and sees you lying there he will lose his erection—instantly.
Tip #3 Lube
Lubrication becomes very important after age forty—don't ask me why. It's God's cruel trick that we women are in our sexual prime, but our vaginas are drying up faster than red Georgia clay during a drought. I'm gonna buy an economy size KY with a hand pump and have it by the nightstand if I ever start fornicating again.
Tip #4 Cocktails
Never have sex with someone if the two of you have been drinking. The reasons should be obvious, but let me point some out just in case you need to be reminded. Drinking makes you stupid, and you will do stupid things that you wouldn't do as a sober, in-your-right-mind, rational person. You will make a fool of yourself. I know. I have a lifetime of experience in this area. Plus, the sex is never as good as you have imagined it to be. It always goes limp, just like a soggy noodle, which is no good for his ego or your self esteem.
Tip #5 Hygiene
It should go without saying, Ladyland needs to be clean and odor free!! On grooming—now, I don't mind grooming. I will wax...I will trim...but I don't think any woman over forty can pull off a bald kitty unless she is a porn star. Leave a little grass on the runway, that's my advice. Guys may think it's sexy, but they are only there to visit. You are the one who has to deal with stubble where God never meant for stubble to be. You will feel like there is a porcupine in your panties, your crotch will itch, and toilet paper will stick to your whoohah while the hair grows back in—now that's sexy!
Alas, the best advice I can give women at any age is this—don't have sex unless it's with somebody you love and care about with every bit of your heart and soul. Make sure they feel the same way about you and then all that stuff won't matter...not one bit, and if it is embarrassing sometimes, so what! I love being able to laugh in bed....hell, it beats crying in bed, amiright??!!
I must admit, I learned a thing or two. Im definitely checking out kegel. YOU are hilarious!
ReplyDeleteSame thing here! I can't help but say that I realized a couple of things from this post. And you delivered them in a quite hilarious way! Cozying up in the bed doesn't really end by 40, in fact, this is the prime age. Of course, it never hurts to ask a bit and follow a few tips to get the passion going. Or, even big changes like, say, labiaplasty.
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