Who Am I?

I had a friend tell me yesterday...figure out who you are and what direction you want to go. I think if I had a thousand lifetimes I still wouldn't know with any certainty who I really am. Who I am is always changing. On the surface I am this divorced mother of two, struggling to make a life for myself as a writer. Just beneath the surface, I am divorced and afraid that I'll be alone the rest of my life. Just beneath the surface, I'm the mother of the two most beautiful, kind, loving girls on the planet and I pray I don't mess it up where they are concerned. Just beneath the surface, I am completely insecure about my writing, but it's my passion and I'm worried that if I don't pursue it now I'll end up passing out buggies at Wal-Mart next year. ;-) 

On a deeper level, I know that love will find me again, because I believe in the power of true love. On a deeper, level I know I'm a wonderful mother, and I am doing a great job raising my girls. On a deeper level, I know am a damn good writer—I will write a bestseller and I will be wildly successful. Alas, all that deeper level knowing gets shoved aside most days, and I get stuck living in the just beneath the surface emotional part of me. My head and my heart in a constant bickering battle for control sets my emotions on a pendulum, and leaves me wondering...who is the real me?

 Am I soft, or tough? Am I afraid, or confident? Am I right, or wrong? Am I alone, or lonely? Am I worthy, or worthless? Can any one of us say with absolute conviction that we are one or the other? No. We are always changing...we are always in flux. So, who am I today? I am a divorced mother of two beautiful young girls, struggling to make it in this world doing what I love most, waiting for that pendulum to swing center when my head and my heart are in agreement, and my soul knows in that moment, who I really am.