A Look Back

Let go of your past. Letting go does not mean forgetting it. It means stopping the holding on, ending the clinging to your past as if you are going to drown without it. You are drowning because of it. 

~Neale Donald Walsch

How apropos for me this morning as I sit here reflecting on my past, specifically the past year. I was packing boxes this time last year, preparing to leave a marriage and a home that had defined me for more than twelve years. I was taking a giant leap of faith that I would find happiness, love and career on the other side of forty. Where am I today?

Happy? Most days I am genuinely happy. I enjoy time spent in solitude, dreaming of all the possibilities that might be. I laugh every day and am grateful for my girls who let me be silly and who understand me on a level that is not of this earth. Happiness has not eluded me—love on the other hand...

Love? Yes, I have been able to fall in love, to find my heart still beats, still yearns, and still searches for a place to call home. I stupidly, fell head over heels for a married friend from high school and called it love. He will always have a special place in my heart and I am so glad that he is still my good friend. I love him for that. I had a dinner date with my first true love and discovered that, for me, it was like returning to your favorite warm, cozy blanket. He's still one of the best kissers I've ever known! I lost my head and my heart for a man who showed me that there are men out there who can love unconditionally, but he was not ready to make a commitment and we remain friends with mutual feelings of love and affection. I would do anything for him and I know, because he has shown me, that he would do anything for me. And...just as recently as a couple of weeks ago I was captivated by the smoothness and charm of another admirer, which caught me off guard, but I have hope, especially when he says...don't worry, you're safe with me. I think sometimes people come into our lives to remind us that we can love again, can feel again...that we can live again.

Career? Well...not yet, but I'm still working hard to make my dream of becoming a published writer a reality. I've gotten positive feedback on my manuscript and am thinking about starting another. Let the brainstorming begin! I'm gonna make it, you'll see! :-)

So, where am I today? My head is above water, thankfully. I'm not drowning because of my past, but I may have been guilty of not being able to let go. I can't move forward as long as I keep turning my head over my shoulder to see what is behind me. Consider this my last look back.

I'm going to keep working on me, eyes front, looking ahead and knowing with all that is in me, miracles await.

Breathe

Heartache is not just a word—it is an actual physical reaction. The heart aches to be near the one you love. I know because I feel it, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I wish I didn't love so deeply, but how do you fall in love just a little bit? I feel my heart beating out its rhythm in my chest and I think...it doesn't even belong to me, it belongs to someone else...captured...stolen away during an intimate moment when hearts were being shared in quiet whispers in the dark. The thing about lending your heart to another is of course, that it may be broken, so in that moment of giving, you greet your greatest fear...heart break. Almost immediately another dialog begins making you doubt whether you can afford to truly give yourself one more time. Then, somewhere in the midst of all the second guessing, the soothing godspeak in my head calms me. I let go and breathe.