Entanglement

Two weeks ago, today, I started my new life. Gone is the emotional overload that accompanied this change... stress, anticipation, anxiety, sadness, excitement, fear ...I haven't really had time to fully process this whole experience. A week of unpacking and getting settled was followed by shopping for miscellaneous necessities that go toward making a household function. Then there was a family reunion to distract me from the stark reality of my situation—which was great by the way. Now, without any kind of frantic schedule looming on the horizon, I'm left thinking... what next ? My life is just that now... my life . I will always have a connection to my past, and I will always be a mother to two amazing girls, but suddenly I don't feel defined by that any longer. Who am I? What do I want from life? The landscape before me is vast, wide open, a long road stretching into an empty horizon. Will the road ahead be rough, filled with potholes and roadblocks? Will it be a scenic h...

After a week of moaning, begging, and sullen, forlorn stares, I finally gave in and took the girls to Lake Lanier Beach and Water Park today. My anxiety was twofold—first I haven't been in the sun, tanning bed, or even applied the first drop of self tanner in about two years. Looking at me in bright direct sunlight is probably akin to someone shining a Xenon flashlight into your eyes when you're not expecting it, so I stayed in the shade most of the day. Secondly, I haven't donned a swimsuit in about a year. Seeing pictures of myself circa Spring Break '08 cured me of ever wanting to be seen in public again, much less in a swimsuit. I weep for that poor woman and the sadness that consumed her. I nervously rifled through the various sizes and brands of swimsuits I've collected over the years—Victoria's Secret... not quite yet ...Land's End... not that big anymore ...Old Navy... too cutesy ...I finally slipped into a black one piece, and breathed a sigh of rel...

Well, the hard part is over, at least that's what I'm hearing. From an emotional standpoint I can see some truth in that, but from a new beginning perspective the outlook is frightening. For instance, everyone knows that moving sucks. Let me tell you it sucks even more when you are on a tight budget and have to do it yourself. My body is so racked with pain this morning I feel like I've been strapped to some kind of medieval torture device for the last two days. To add insult to injury, I was soooo looking forward to a nice hot shower last night to help ease my battered old body into a dreamless sleep. What I got instead was more pain and agony. Whoever installed the shower head in this place was a sadist—the devil himself I tell you. I felt like I was being pressure washed by thousands of little tiny sharp needles. I had to turn the water off in order to lather up, and then dance around with my arms shielding my most delicate parts once the water was back on. I don't t...

What is happiness? We can all name one happy moment, or perhaps the most happy moment in our lifetime, but consider this, were those moments merely external snapshots of the greater experience of happiness that lies deep within? Inside each and every one of us is the answer—we alone hold the key. We make a conscious choice every day about how we are going to live...happy, sad, joyous, hopeless, indifferent.  I have chosen for a very long time to live for someone else. I have been the rock, the foundation, the glue, the constant that has held a family together for years. I have sacrificed my happiness again and again in order to do the right thing, but there has to come a time when you say,  I'm sorry, but I've had enough . It's time for me to experience my happiness. It's time for me to stand on my own, really stand on my own for the first time in my life and I'm absolutely fine with that. More than fine. I will look for that silver lining for I am the eternal opt...

Leo Buscaglia wrote ..."Love is always bestowed as a gift...freely, willingly, and without expectation. It is offered even when not acknowledged or appreciated. We don't love to be loved, we love to love." I read those words and think... that is me . You know, when you've gifted your heart away a few times and had it flattened with a meat tenderizer, or had it gasping for air because it was being held on to too tightly, or it was simply forgotten about and neglected, then why in the world would you ever do it again? I read those three sentences and I know why. Love should always be given freely. When you love someone you are giving a gift—a gift to them as well as to yourself. Love should never come with conditions or expectations. Love is not a contract between two people it is a union of souls. Finding that one person in all the world whose soul mirrors your very own is a rare thing I believe. Lucky are those who gift their hearts to one another and treasure that...

Knowing who you are and what you want from life can either be a blessing or a curse. It takes courage to live life honestly...right from the heart. I am learning what nerves of steel really means. Sometimes it feels like I may buckle under the strain of the circumstances in my life, but somehow I keep moving...keep stepping forward, as if a gentle hand is nudging me on. Hope is a small glowing ember burning in my soul waiting for the winds of change to slowly fan the delicate coal to life. It's the very thing that keeps me going every day—hope. It's time for me to be stronger than I ever imagined I could be. It's time for me to step out on my own for the first time in many, many years. It's time for me to cast away doubt and fear, and embrace life . It's time for me to let go of the past as I look toward the future. It's time for me to jump in with both feet and accept all the happiness and love that the Universe has waiting for me. It's time....

Music is a powerful thing. Everyone likes music—at least that's what I assume, but for some of us, music is as much a part of daily life as breathing. For people like us, one simple song can flood the heart and touch the soul, stirring a cauldron of emotions within. You can be changed forever by a song. I remember the song playing on the radio echoing through the empty house where I grew up, the day we moved out... Eye in the Sky by the Alan Parsons Project. R.E.M's Murmur was in the cassette deck of my 1983 Ford Escort the night I lost my virginity. I cried all the way home. Annie's Song by John Denver makes me believe in a love that will last forever—how lucky we would be to find someone who evokes that depth of emotion. I very nearly had a singing career, but for whatever reason, God had other plans for me. I still sing every day. I sing for myself, I sing for my girls, and I used to kick ass at the local sports bar on Karaoke night. Small potatoes for a girl who has...