Friday, April 29, 2022

Pure Bliss


I never thought I’d find my bliss sitting on the back porch of a rental house in Leeds, Alabama, yet here I sit in the golden hour on a late Friday afternoon perfectly content in my solitude. But I’m not really alone. Cue rush hour at the bird feeder—it’s organized chaos as they all take turns, diving in from worlds unseen to take a morsel and disappear again to the trees. The trees give themselves gracefully to the breeze that carry the birds’ song...I can hear a hundred different melodies, my heart is full.
Carpenter bees, trying to exploit weakness in the fence hover behind me, the dog brings me one of her balls to throw—her energy is limitless. A red winged blackbird I have named, Poe, sits high atop a leland cypress whistling loudly before leaving for a nearby copse of trees. The breeze picks up, I close my eyes...Suddenly, the neighbor’s surround sound thunders to life, signaling an end to my reverie.

Y’all have a good weekend.  

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Immeasurable Joy and Fascination


A time capsule was opened yesterday, videos made on old TDK 8mm cassettes and transferred to a flash drive. Six hours of memories, watching my daughters grow from newborns, to celebrating milestones. It was super heartwarming, but also incredibly sad. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a video is a weighty tome.
You could see it in my eyes, the complete and utter misery. Pleasant exchanges between a husband and a wife that lack any emotional connection whatsoever. Truth is, I became disillusioned early on by my husband’s extracurricular sex life. I knew of his propensity for promiscuity before we ever became a couple. I was just a stupid fool believing marriage and children would change him.
My first inkling that he had stepped out of bounds was when I was pregnant with our first child. The neon signs, red flags, gut feelings and evidence were all there—lipstick stains, missing condoms, lame excuses. He eventually owned up to one indiscretion and by that time I had a five week old and a twenty-two month old, so what choice did I have but to, unhappily, soldier on.
Postpartum depression wrapped me in its dark embrace and kept me dependent on medication that propped me up, but numbed my soul, for years. As I watched pieces of my life unfold on the screen before me, I was deeply disturbed by how much of my life was lost. So much of it I simply don’t remember. What should have been a time of immeasurable joy and fascination—raising my beautiful daughters, was largely erased due to depression and years of taking antidepressants. Add alcohol to the mix and I’m surprised I can remember my own name, but hey—the marriage kept humming.
After twelve years, I’d had enough, so I said when. I shudder to think what might have been, if I’d stayed “for the sake of the kids.” This year, I will have been divorced longer than I was married, and it has taken another failed relationship, a shit ton of trauma and five years of healing to stand here today...happier and healthier than I’ve ever been. It is a time of immeasurable joy and fascination, and I am drenched in every single miraculous moment of it!

Namasté

Friday, April 22, 2022

Earth Day

Good morning! Happy Earth Day! 🌎
One of my favorite things, is to watch and listen as the Earth is waking up. Hundreds of birds greet each day with song, a melodious cacophony rising with the sun. They don’t mind me as I stand silently among them, giving my own salutations to the day. Normally, I would seize the moment for breath work and lids down meditation, but this morning was all about sun gazing.


Sun gazing has a long list of benefits, and tops for me is decalcifying the pineal gland, or third eye—our most important source of intuitive wisdom and connection to Divine consciousness.
It’s just nice to wake up and actually be awake! I spent too many years in a brain fog, for which sun gazing helps by the way—well, I’m going to go drink my beetroot juice.😄Life is such a gift...I hope wherever you are, you take some time today doing something that brings you joy.
Namasté ♥️

 

My Wellness Journey at 111 Days




This is me, no filter, humbly—sharing my progress with the world.
The woman on the left, she had given up. She was ashamed. She was indifferent to the fact that she was slowly killing herself. She was addicted to junk food. She had high blood pressure, high a1c, high cholesterol, sleep apnea and IBS. She was on prescription meds, and kept a basket full of OTC pain relievers and sleep aids on top of the fridge. One day, she decided she wanted to change, so she did.
The woman on the right. The woman on the right is on a path to health. She eats better—plant based, organic and fresh. She feels fantastic. She sleeps like a baby, no more reflux or jolting awake from snoring, no more headaches, irritable bowels, or blood pressure medicine. Her eczema is gone as are her sugar cravings. She drinks lots of water and the occasional cup of hot tea. She smiles a lot more, too. ☺️
I’m beyond grateful to have had this epiphany. I know without question that I have been Divinely inspired—my spiritual journey integral, nay essential, to my success. The woman on the right, now, she wants to live, love and laugh...and she hopes to inspire someone along the way.
That’s all. Be well.
Namasté

 

Friday, April 8, 2022

Goldfish

It's hard devoting yourself full time to your passion, only to feel like you're stuck in a fever dream, running in place, getting absolutely nowhere. You start asking yourself if it's really worth it.

Managing sixteen, yes sixteen, social media platforms with little if any interaction is demoralizing. Begging for followers and book reviews, when you can't even get "likes" and "shares" is humiliating. Publishers today, especially the big five, want to see that you have a decent following—it's easier for an "influencer" to get a book deal (even if the writing is sub-par), than it is for someone like me, a nobody in the virtual world.
I know that even as I write this—nobody cares. We are drowning in a new virtual reality where the average human attention span is just eight seconds, which, depending on how fast you read or how little fucks you give, I've lost you already. Goldfish can pay attention longer.
I've got good stories in me, stories worth telling. Do I keep fighting the good fight, or do I throw in the towel? It's a rhetorical question really, because clearly, no one is listening. Recently I heard someone say of their success...I always thought I could, so I did. He lead the team that taught goldfish to drive the new "fish operated vehicle," or something like that, I wasn't paying attention.