Crazy Love

Does everybody have that one person from their past that they still carry a torch for? It doesn't have to even be a torch really...could be a candle, or even a tiny smoldering ember. It's always there, though, somewhere in the back of your mind, eating away a little bit of your heart with every rhythmic beat. Maybe it was a passionate love affair that ended abruptly, and left you craving more. Maybe it was true love, but the timing was all wrong. Maybe it ended badly, and you wish you could have a do over. Whatever the case may be, this person, this love, still lingers. 

Love is unkind, cruel, harsh, and unfair. It is also magical, beautiful, uplifting, and rare. What is it about this single emotion that makes us crazy. We chase love our entire lives hoping to find it, and when we think we have, we become selfish, jealous, needy, clingy and desperate in order to hang on to it. Well, that is not the way to hold on to love, now is it? It has taken me a very long time to understand that. Holding tightly to someone isn't the way to keep them. It's all about letting go. I have long since extinguished the flame I used to carry. My heart is free to start the chase all over again, but for now I think I'll just sit on the sidelines, and rest awhile.

Fall or Fly

Today was a good day—no, today was a great day. I don't know what miracles are taking place in the Universe right now, or who is out there sending me positive energy, but today I felt it, and I give thanks. I feel rejuvenated, cleansed, peaceful, and blissfully happy for no reason whatsoever. I just woke up feeling and knowing that my life right now is like the calm before the storm, but in all the best ways possible. Once I made the decision to let go—really let go of all the emotional baggage, old habits, unhealthy feelings, worry, fear and negativity—it took a few days to hit me, but I'm free. I am no longer a prisoner of my past. I have a clean slate, a chance to start fresh! Excitement has replaced fear, giddiness has replaced worry, confidence has replaced insecurity. I can be, do, or have whatever my heart desires because of letting go, having faith, and accepting all the wondrous things I know are in store for me.

A few months ago, I made a choice for change. I stepped blindly out into a strange new reality. It was up to me whether I would fall or fly. Honestly, I fell flat on my face a couple of times, got all caught up in the unexpected emotional aftermath of it all, but now there is an inner peace that whispers in my soul...when the time is right, you will not only fly, you will soar.

Monday Morning Wake Up Call

The construction crew at the marina behind my house got an early start this morning. I pried my eyeballs open and glanced at the clock...0710...ugh! I rolled over and put a pillow over my head in an attempt to drown out the noise. I really wanted to be aggravated and pissed off that I was awake. I was having a really good dream, too! I lay there for a short while, and decided that maybe there was a reason for me to be up. Maybe instead of starting the day with a negative attitude, I should embrace the day and all good things the Universe is bringing me this moment. I crept down the hall and looked in on my two sleeping beauties who were oblivious to all the commotion happening just outside their window. I smiled and gave thanks for them—my greatest joy.

Right now, for me, it takes a conscious effort to maintain an upbeat, happy attitude. Perhaps with a little work and some consistency, it will eventually become something that comes as naturally as breathing. Worry and negativity are wasted emotions, I know. They weigh down your spirit and rob you of your energy. So, for today anyway, I made a choice to let happiness override my initial knee jerk reaction to start the day being mad because a bulldozer woke me up. Hell...maybe that is some kind of message. Hey Traci...this is the Universe...been trying to get you to wake up so that I can make all your dreams come true, but you have to actually be awake in order to receive them!! Yep, time to clear out the cobwebs, shake off the funk and start participating in my life. Like attracts like and nothing great will ever come to me if my attitude doesn't reflect it first.

Sometimes it just takes a bulldozer to wake you up! 

Lessons

I lay in bed until the wee hours of this morning listening to my thoughts drown out the soft, rhythmic hum of the ceiling fan. I thought about my family and friends and gave thanks. I tried to picture my life six months from now...a year from now...ten. Who will I be? Where will I be? Will I be happy? Will I be successful? Will I be in love? Alone? I wondered..what lessons am I supposed to be learning right now? Patience to be sure, tolerance maybe, acceptance, or maybe I'm just learning that I have to let it all go and in doing so, some or all of what I'm looking for will find me. If it doesn't then I have to learn to be okay with that, too. I just wish I could shake this feeling that I'm waiting for my life to start. I feel like a sprinter poised at the ready waiting for the signal to start the race. Why can't I pick up my feet and get moving already? Where is my excitement, my enthusiasm, my passion? How long will this feeling last? Why do I feel unable to change it? I know all about life's ups and downs and I'm ready for the ups to come back around thank you very much! This I know for sure—it will be interesting to look back on this time in my life and see what life taught me, to see the lessons I learned.

For My Mom

This last month would have been unbearable were it not for your gentle guiding hand and your daily words of inspiration. You remind me every day of my value and worth in this world, and you never let me forget that I can do anything, be anything, even if I don't believe it myself right now, you do. You calm my spirit when I am anxious. You comfort me in sadness. You made me understand that I don't need to see the big picture, that it's okay not to have all the answers right now, this second. Be patient...you say...because you will see that in time everything you are dreaming of will come to you. Your best years are yet to come, they are right in front of you. 

Thank you for my life. Thank you for knowing when to give me tough love and when to save me. Thank you for your unwavering support throughout my crazy life. Thank you for laughter and silliness. Thank you for teaching me about etiquette, sophistication, and how to enter a room. I am who I am because of what you've taught me and because I am yours. Somewhere along the timeline of my life I think part of me forgot that. Thank you for letting me be me. You are my touchstone, you always have been. 

I love you.

Good Things

I know I quite often say that anything is possible, or that everything happens for a reason...both of which are firmly held beliefs...Well, the Universe sent me an angel today to help remind me to hold fast to my faith....

I was in a foul mood this morning. No need to rehash why, but the last thing I wanted to do was get in the car and drive the girls to the mall. A friend listened to me vent (thank you, btw), and then told me to just go have fun with my girls. I took the advice to heart, tried to lighten my mood, and headed out the door knowing the mall is the last place you want to be when you have no money to spend. Our first stop, and my favorite store on the planet...Barnes and Noble!

I am a confessed book-a-holic. Barnes and Noble is like my crack house. The doors open up and it hits you...the smell of new books, and fresh hot lattes being ordered up somewhere in the store. For me, it's a place of anonymity...serenity...a place I can go to calm the voice within, and slow the world down if only for a brief moment in time.

Bookstores remind me of being in an elevator...the music is crappy, no one talks to you, no one makes eye contact, and I like that. I was making my way through the New Age section when I was taken by surprise by a petite little woman who began talking to me. She complained about the music...I grinned...she went on about corporate assholes who sit in their offices deciding what crap to make us listen to...she talked about her shoes...I listened politely and intently...smiling all the while. She was a captivating spirit to say the least. The last thing she did was pull a book from the shelf. She opened it up, and shared a couple of her favorite passages with me. When she was finished, she smiled...a smile that seemed to beam straight from deep within her soul, and then placed the book in my hands. She turned on her heel to walk away, stopped, and said...

"Your light is bright, you know...good things are going to happen for you."

"Really?" I asked, still smiling.

"Oh yes, good things."

And with that she turned and left...left me standing in the middle of Barnes and Noble with cold chills running up my spine and utterly speechless. I looked at the book she had placed in my hand, and you could have knocked me over with a feather...Notes From The Universe...yeah, I got more than a note today. I think I got a shout out from the Universe!

To Helen Back

A short forty-five minute drive from my new diggs you can be in chintzy Bavarian heaven. I'd never been to Helen, so I decided to take the girls and see what all the fuss was about. Aside from a traffic jam...yes, traffic jam...(only in my Universe does this happen) in Cleveland, GA., the ride was uneventful. It reminded me a little bit of our drive to Dollywood years ago, minus the one-stop-shop wedding chapel/small engine repair/putt-putt golf! There was no shortage of cheesy log cabins with jacuzzi tubs for rent. The antiques market must be a booming business because there seemed to be one every hundred yards or so—even my daughter remarked at the spectacle...Mom, that's not even an antique shop...it's someone's house. That's unky.....

Pulling into this mock little German town I expected...I don't know what I expected. Having actually been to Germany, I could see some symmetry, but my girls laughed...laughed! Look at the Subway...hahaha...look at the Days Inn...hahaha...look at the Wendy's...hahaha...You get my point. Their laughter cracked me up, and by the time we pulled in to park we were all laughing hysterically. We laughed even more shopping at the Hansel and Gretel candy store where my youngest had to have decorative gumballs. Two of them set me back eight bucks. Mommy's laughter was a controlled attempt to keep from screaming. A little cursing under my breath quelled the urge, and I felt a little better. After strolling around, taking the mandatory tourist snapshots and popping in some of the overly priced tourist trap novelty shops (where, btw, the girls each had to have a bag of shiny rocks) they were ready to leave. I looked at my watch—we'd only been there thirty minutes.

So, now I can say that I've been to Helen, GA. I paid eight dollars for a couple of gumballs and got twenty dollars worth of shiny rocks. I made a memory today, though, with my girls and you can't put a price on that!!

Boob Girdle

You know, it's the little things in life that truly make me giddy. I became so excited recently when I discovered I could wear my nice bras once again. Seriously, this time last year I was sporting a contraption that looked like a boob girdle. It had about 17 hooks in the back and three yards of fabric. Once I was all strapped in and trussed up, I was unable to take a deep breath for fear the industrial grade steel used to form the underwire might impale me. Where there should have been boobs~sss~plural...the big girl bra did more lifting and smashing than lifting and separating...there was just boob. I had this monoboob jutting out from my frame like a shelf. Add to that: gray hair, chin whiskers, back fat, and a great big ass...oh yeah, I was a vision. 

Fast forward a year and I've finally got my figure back. Hallelujah!! I opened the drawer containing my most expensive collection of lingerie...Wacoal, Chantelle, lacy, frilly, sexy...YES!! Like I said, giddy. People who have never been overweight don't know the thrill, the little ball of excitement you get in your stomach when you rediscover your body—things like, having two boobs instead of one, being able to sit legs criss-cross, walking without your thighs rubbing together, slipping into your favorite pair of blue jeans, or most pleasantly surprising of all, being noticed. At my age, and with all I've been through it's nice to feel like a woman again. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but I'm gettin' there, and I think it will be sweeter the second time around.

Take A Moment

One of my favorite sensations in all the world, is feeling the wind blow. Not wind blown like riding in a convertible, or speeding across the water in a ski boat. I'm talking about the gentle breeze that comes rustling through the trees and softly caresses your being. Lucky for me, there is almost always a breeze coming off the lake. I take a moment, close my eyes, feel the warm sun on my face, feel the wind whip up tiny tendrils of hair that tickle my lips, and imagine I am the puffed white seedling of a dandelion waiting for a favorable current to carry me away. I love strong winds right before the deluge of a rainstorm, too. Senses heightened—you can see the trees bowed over succumbing to the wind shear...you can hear branches creak and moan as they bend, sway and gnash together in a tangled dance...and you can smell the approaching rain. It is as humbling as it is beautiful to me.

This living, breathing planet on which we live gives us eye candy to behold every day. Sometimes we (I) get so wrapped up in self that we forget to stop and enjoy what God has so lovingly given us...the sun, moon, stars, wind, rain, mountains, oceans, ladybugs, daises...big or small, what sensation takes you out of self and makes you ponder the bigger picture? Maybe it's having your toes in the sand as you stare into an infinite horizon, maybe it's the smell of freshly cut grass on a Saturday morning, or songbirds at your window in the early pre-dawn hours. This is truly appreciating all that life has to offer. Be in the moment, enjoy the moment...because this moment is your life.

Tears

Last night while the rest of you enjoyed the fireworks displays at whatever gatherings you attended, I was soaking in a nice hot tub. I was hoping the water, bubbles and wine would help me relax; help me forget, just how lonely these past couple of days have been. I'm really good at alienating people, and I thought I was good at being alone. As I lay there listening to distant booms and pops from people celebrating with their families, I began to cry—really sob for the first time in a long time. I pulled my knees up under my chin, my body shaking. The tears came, silently at first, and then like a dam bursting, the emotional flood erupted. Tears came in waves of regret for all the mistakes I've made, they came with feelings of sorrow over two failed marriages, and they came with anguish over pushing away one of the best friends I've ever had in my life.

When the well of tears was run dry, I lay in bed with lingering snubs that lulled me into a dreamless sleep. This morning my face looked like someone used it for a punching bag—all of the emotion of last night showing up in physical form this morning. I guess everyone needs a good cleansing cry every now and then. My heart is full of sadness today, and I long for the laughter that once dwelled there.

Be Careful What You Wish For

When your entire life has been about your children, it's hard letting go—even (and especially in my case) if it's into the hands of their own father. This weekend families will gather 'round, eat tasty barbecue, laugh, mingle and ooohhh and aaahhh over fireworks' displays. I will spend it alone, with a glass of wine thinking back on all of the Fourth of July holidays spent in the company of those I loved.

I struggle to find my place...find myself...in this new life of my own making. Instead of freedom, confidence and a strong sense of self, suddenly I feel misunderstood, unsure and keenly aware that I don't know how to live for me. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself for the next three days. What a wonderful gift I have been able to give my children...myself...all of me...so much so that I am incomplete without them. I am like a child learning to walk for the first time. I know I will stumble, but who will be there to pick me up, brush me off and set my feet back on the right path? Me, that's who. I chose this life, now it's up to me alone to live it. Be careful what you wish for, because good or bad, you just might get it.

 

Givin' Up On Bein' Got

Finding someone in this life who understands you—really understands, really gets who you are and actually wants to, is like searching for the Holy Grail, you begin to wonder if it even exists. Forget about ever finding someone who will love you no matter what, without condition—you'd sooner find a unicorn, or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I hear my childlike inner voice sassing me...just because you haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Well, let me tell you I'm all done lookin'. If it is out there, it's going to have to come looking for me, and it better show up looking like a mythical creature in order for me to believe.

If you are in a relationship and you are saying...but I do love my husband/wife no matter what...think about this—loving someone unconditionally means you love them with perfect love despite their flaws. So, when your husband leaves his tighty whiteys on the bathroom floor, skid mark side up for you to ogle...do you show perfect love? When your wife packs on thirty pounds and watching her eat triggers your gag reflex...do you show perfect love? When the two of you share a king sized bed and only occupy four or five inches of the edge to avoid touching each other...is that a display of perfect love? What about snoring, backseat driving, morning breath, nose hairs, saggy tits, nagging, toenail clippings, forgetting to close the lid, body odors, infidelity, etc., etc., etc....do we exercise perfect love?

Yeah well, what do I know. I'm a twice divorced mother of two who will probably wind up alone with a bunch of cats. My faith is shaken.