Last night while the rest of you enjoyed the fireworks displays at whatever gatherings you attended, I was soaking in a nice hot tub. I was hoping the water, bubbles and wine would help me relax; help me forget, just how lonely these past couple of days have been. I'm really good at alienating people, and I
thought I was good at being alone. As I lay there listening to distant booms and pops from people celebrating with their families, I began to cry—really sob for the first time in a long time. I pulled my knees up under my chin, my body shaking. The tears came, silently at first, and then like a dam bursting, the emotional flood erupted. Tears came in waves of regret for all the mistakes I've made, they came with feelings of sorrow over two failed marriages, and they came with anguish over pushing away one of the best friends I've ever had in my life.
When the well of tears was run dry, I lay in bed with lingering snubs that lulled me into a dreamless sleep. This morning my face looked like someone used it for a punching bag—all of the emotion of last night showing up in physical form this morning. I guess everyone needs a good cleansing cry every now and then. My heart is full of sadness today, and I long for the laughter that once dwelled there.
Every day will get better. I remember the first 4th of July after we were separated and she took the kids out of town. I literally thought I would die. You have to focus on the positive aspects of your life now and embrace the second chance to do the things you want to do and mold your life into what you want it to now be. It took me awhile to realize that the old life was gone and that I now could develop my own life with my kids. Create my own memories and traditions, have "dad" time and "dad's house" completely separate and distinct from Mom's. surround yourself with close friends that you can talk to and embrace your free time by developing hobbies and interests and helping others. you aren't alone. On the 4th, you felt like you were the only person in the world alone. Believe me, you were not. There are many in your situation and they need encouragement just like you. My life line through my separation and divorce was my best friend in the whole world. Without her to listen to me and encourage me and tell me that it is going to be ok, I wouldn't have made it. I will love her forever for that and many other reasons. I hope you have someone like that you can lean on. If not, seek out some support groups. There are many divorce care groups out there. In fact, you should find one anyway. It may take two or three years before you begin to fully adjust to your new life, but you will. Accept this as a second chance to do it right rather than mourning the past. Easier said than done, but made all the difference in the world to me. Took my best friend blasting that into me for it to take hold. I plan to do it right this time!
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you for your encouraging words, I truly appreciate it. The tears have been shed, the moment has passed...there is some lingering emotion there, but I feel like I am on the mend. I have in fact found comfort in the company of old friends, and what a difference it has made. Like you...I have one very special friend who I talk to pretty much on a daily basis...there is laughter, support and a genuine kindness that warms my soul, and keeps the demons at bay. I DO look forward to this next chapter of my life...it's people like you who keep me going...thanks again!
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