Who Am I?

I had a friend tell me yesterday...figure out who you are and what direction you want to go. I think if I had a thousand lifetimes I still wouldn't know with any certainty who I really am. Who I am is always changing. On the surface I am this divorced mother of two, struggling to make a life for myself as a writer. Just beneath the surface, I am divorced and afraid that I'll be alone the rest of my life. Just beneath the surface, I'm the mother of the two most beautiful, kind, loving girls on the planet and I pray I don't mess it up where they are concerned. Just beneath the surface, I am completely insecure about my writing, but it's my passion and I'm worried that if I don't pursue it now I'll end up passing out buggies at Wal-Mart next year. ;-) 

On a deeper level, I know that love will find me again, because I believe in the power of true love. On a deeper, level I know I'm a wonderful mother, and I am doing a great job raising my girls. On a deeper level, I know am a damn good writer—I will write a bestseller and I will be wildly successful. Alas, all that deeper level knowing gets shoved aside most days, and I get stuck living in the just beneath the surface emotional part of me. My head and my heart in a constant bickering battle for control sets my emotions on a pendulum, and leaves me wondering...who is the real me?

 Am I soft, or tough? Am I afraid, or confident? Am I right, or wrong? Am I alone, or lonely? Am I worthy, or worthless? Can any one of us say with absolute conviction that we are one or the other? No. We are always changing...we are always in flux. So, who am I today? I am a divorced mother of two beautiful young girls, struggling to make it in this world doing what I love most, waiting for that pendulum to swing center when my head and my heart are in agreement, and my soul knows in that moment, who I really am.

Sex After 40?

These are tips I fully intend to follow myself, if I'm ever presented with an opportunity to have sex again in this lifetime. 

Tip #1 Exercise

Two words—Kegel exercise. If you don't know what that is, then you need to learn. Forget cardio, ab crunches and glute workouts. If you have an anaconda death grip on your man's fun stick during sex he won't care that you've put on twenty pounds since summer. He might even want to get it on more often, which I don't have to tell you is a win-win situation. After forty it is the most important exercise we ladies can do. It also helps keep that little drop of tinkle in when you sneeze. Some of you just went, aaahhh...light bulb moment! 

Tip #2 Ambiance

If you've never done a Kegel, then you need to turn the lights off and the music up. Trust me on this one. Your man is going to have his eyes closed anyway so he can block out the lovely vision of your tits up under your armpits and forget that your belly button has disappeared under a roll of fat. Oh, and the sex face he's making isn't because you are rockin' his world, it's because your stubbly legs are raking his back like a cheese grater, and he is in pain. He's picturing Megan Fox in his mind anyway, and if he happens to open his eyes and sees you lying there he will lose his erection—instantly. 

Tip #3 Lube

Lubrication becomes very important after age forty—don't ask me why. It's God's cruel trick that we women are in our sexual prime, but our vaginas are drying up faster than red Georgia clay during a drought. I'm gonna buy an economy size KY with a hand pump and have it by the nightstand if I ever start fornicating again. 

Tip #4 Cocktails

Never have sex with someone if the two of you have been drinking. The reasons should be obvious, but let me point some out just in case you need to be reminded. Drinking makes you stupid, and you will do stupid things that you wouldn't do as a sober, in-your-right-mind, rational person. You will make a fool of yourself. I know. I have a lifetime of experience in this area. Plus, the sex is never as good as you have imagined it to be. It always goes limp, just like a soggy noodle, which is no good for his ego or your self esteem. 

Tip #5 Hygiene

It should go without saying, Ladyland needs to be clean and odor free!! On grooming—now, I don't mind grooming. I will wax...I will trim...but I don't think any woman over forty can pull off a bald kitty unless she is a porn star. Leave a little grass on the runway, that's my advice. Guys may think it's sexy, but they are only there to visit. You are the one who has to deal with stubble where God never meant for stubble to be. You will feel like there is a porcupine in your panties, your crotch will itch, and toilet paper will stick to your whoohah while the hair grows back in—now that's sexy! Alas, the best advice I can give women at any age is this—don't have sex unless it's with somebody you love and care about with every bit of your heart and soul. Make sure they feel the same way about you and then all that stuff won't matter...not one bit, and if it is embarrassing sometimes, so what! I love being able to laugh in bed....hell, it beats crying in bed, amiright??!!

Victim or Victor? The Choice is Ours

That's right, nothing comes into your life randomly, or by chance. At some level, either consciously or sub-consciously, you draw it into your experience for some greater soul purpose. That is a hard pill to swallow for most people, because no one wants to believe that they are the cause of their own plight. On the other hand, those same people will be the first ones to claim responsibility for anything good that comes their way. Interesting dichotomy, isn't it? Victim or victor—the choice is always up to us because our thoughts create the very nature of our reality, and no, this is not some New Age hooey. Some of the most brilliant minds in science, philosophy and religion know this to be a basic Law of the Universe. Even Jesus taught...you reap what you sow... Understanding that we have the power to change even the most unbearable circumstances in our lives simply by changing the way we think should send us shouting from the rooftops, don't you think? Don't get me wrong, it's not easy! It takes focus, consistency, discipline, awareness, and above all belief. Perhaps the greatest travesty is that we don't believe. The problem is we get stuck in and addicted to predictable patterns of behavior—the, who we are, that defines us. Each and every one of us holds within us the key to unlimited potential and the power to make our wildest dreams a reality. 

I believe..."you are creating it all~all of your life~right here, right now. You...you...are creating it."-CWG

The Burn

Wasted years, I've lost myself 

And now can't find my way. 

Burning in a silent hell 

Each and every day. 

A woman stares through lifeless eyes, 

Surely, that's not me. 

My reflection mocks a life 

And memories of what used to be. 

How can I move forward 

When I'm stuck in yesterday? 

Courted by nostalgia 

It's hard to look away. 

I am haunted by a time and place 

To which I can't return. 

So here I am, my daily hell 

And silently I burn.

The Soul, Soul-ing...

I've been sitting here most of the day trying to put into words what is in my heart, but I'm not that poetic. There are a thousand ideas I want to spill out onto this canvas...a thousand images and emotions I want to convey. My life is so full this moment, so rich. For weeks, I have been gently peeling back the layers of me—aiming for the core of who I really am, and who I want to be. Many mornings after the cleansing business of exercising the body, I will nourish my spirit, sitting alone with my thoughts and my Creator. What I have found to be true for me, is that it is during those times when my guard is down and my heart wide open, that the floodgates burst. God's love rushes in and washes over me. Nothing else exists outside of that moment. All worry, fear, doubt and sadness melts away. In that point in time, I am reminded of what really matters in this life. I am not perfect and I'm certainly no saint. I will continue to make mistakes and I will stumble...I am only human. The divine soul within me knows it's easier to be kind than it is to be ugly. It is easier to smile than to frown. It takes more energy to stay mad than it does to be happy. That which I wish for myself, I give to another. Laughter is good medicine and essential exercise for the soul. Anything worthwhile is worth waiting for, especially love. Love is the highest expression of the soul...love is our soul, soul-ing. Love...given, or received, is a gift...our greatest affirmation...it is eternal.

Fake It To Make It

Anton Chekhov once said...Any idiot can face a crisis, it's the day to day living that wears you out...and a hundred years later those words still ring true. It is especially true for me personally in so many ways as I try to find my footing, and adjust to being on my own. Now more than ever, my children look to me for support, guidance, security and reassurance. When you have to put your groceries on a credit card, because there's only twenty bucks in the checking account for the next week, you learn how to fake it. It's hard maintaining that, day...after day...after day, but I manage to somehow. It's hard to set aside worry, stress and anxiety and choose to walk in faith...but that's what I'm living every single day. I know that if I fixate on all the the things "wrong" with my life, it will consume me. There have been times when it almost has. So...I wake up every morning and put a smile on my face, even on the days when I don't feel like smiling...particularly on those days...again, faking it. I have been blessed with the wisdom that all I have is right now, this moment. How I choose to live this moment is a gift I give myself, as well as my children. Their unbridled laughter these last few days have been music to my ears...a healing elixir for my soul. It is in those moments that my worn out soul is refreshed, and I know I can make it another day.

How Did I Get From Grim Reaper To Gratitude?

I don't know how many of you have ever suffered from migraine headaches, but let me tell you....you welcome death when they are really bad. That was me last night—praying for the grim reaper, laying on the couch, ceiling fan pegged out on high, and a trash can close by just in case I had to vomit. Death never came despite my best begging and pleading, so there must be more left for me to do here. I think today is a good day for a gratitude list....

~I'm grateful for the dawn of a new day. A day filled with unlimited potentials of possibility, just for me.

~I'm grateful for my darling girls who greet me every morning with smiles, kisses and hugs...the kind of hugs that wrap your soul in sweetness and warmth.

~I am grateful for laughter.

~I am grateful for the smell of fresh cut grass on Saturday morning, and the sound of lawn mowers off in the distance. It's so Americana to me.

~I am grateful for unexpected surprises...like phone calls, just because someone was thinking about you (texting and emails although convenient are impersonal and disconnected when that's all you ever get), or finding $20 at the bottom of your purse, a ladybug landing on you, a deer in the backyard, spying a shiny lucky penny on the ground (heads up of course), or someone wanting to publish your book...ok, still waiting for that surprise, but you understand what I'm talking about.

~I am grateful for my life...for all the people who have come and gone, and especially for those who have left their indelible impression on my soul. I believe no one comes to us by accident. Everyone has a purpose in your life...everyone.

~I am grateful for these last dog days of summer which herald in my favorite season...Fall. I look forward to low humidity, clean crisp air, football games with my Dad, changing leaves, Halloween, my favorite pair of jeans and a cozy sweater, and maybe a stolen kiss from someone special. My friend Wendy used to say...it's boyfriend weather...and she was right!

~I'm grateful that there's gas in my car and food in my fridge. I pray for those who lost everything in recent days to flooding, and for those who suffer daily without having a natural disaster to blame for it.

~I am grateful that even though I feel like death warmed over, I can still find the joy and happiness in my heart that allows me to sit here and make a list such as this.

~ Most of all I am grateful for love...the love I feel for my family, of course...the love for myself, which allows me to hope that I will find love again some day...and the love for my Creator who walks with me daily, and shows me what this life is all about.

What are you grateful for today?? 

Be blessed.

Barbie Buyer Beware

If you are the parent of a little girl I think...no, I know you will understand me when I say I'd like to slap the sadistic bastard who designed the packaging concept for Barbie. Even if you're not the parent of a little girl, I'm sure at one point or another you've either heard someone bitching about how ridiculously hard it is to open, or maybe you've had the joy of having opened one yourself. It's a Barbie for crying out loud, not an explosive device—although at times I've felt like I'm deactivating a bomb...scissors...should I cut the twisty wire...no, the straight wire...maybe I should un-twist the twisty wire instead of cutting through...Forget using scissors! You actually need a small explosive just to open the box. At this point, your knuckles are scraped and bleeding from blindingly slashing through the outer layer of box only to reveal the tangled mess of wires, strings, tape and plastic that bind Barbie mercilessly to cardboard confinement.

All of this goes without saying that you can't hurt, damage, break or bleed on Barbie during this whole undignified process....you don't know why...she's just going to wind up naked on the floor by the end of the day. Careful little eyes watch your every move being sure to give unsolicited advice whenever possible, which makes you grit your teeth to keep from unloading a barrage of curse words at the lowlife executive scumbag who decided all of this was necessary in the first place. Then there's all the minute accessories that are even harder to break free! Yes, my girls have already started their Christmas lists, and the only thing they have asked for thus far...well you can probably guess.

I'll be needing eggnog, a Xanax, scissors,...and a small amount of C4. Okay, at the very least I'll have band-aids and hydrogen peroxide standing by for all of my superficial wounds!! Ahhh the things we do for love... ;-)

Life Goes On

It's quiet here—out walking my dogs this morning I was filled with an overwhelming sense of serenity and calm that has been absent from my spirit in recent days. The morning was overcast, breezy, and there was the faintest smell of rain approaching far off in the distance. Birds, perhaps sensing the urgency of time, soared high, dove fast and sang to one another, their melodies a symphony rising to the heavens on that same wind that will eventually bring the rain. I stood there for a long time...lost in the moment, and the beauty of it all. I realized something then...life goes on...a cliché' to be certain, but never more true for me than today, this moment.

Sometimes things happen in your life that bring you to your knees. You feel as if you'll never be able to get up and get moving again. You make mistakes, you say things that shouldn't be said, you lash out for no good reason at the people you care most about, you lose yourself in want and selfishness, you sabotage any chance you have at happiness because maybe you feel you're just not that worthy. Well let me tell you something friend, we are all worthy of the gift of happiness. I was happy this morning being in the quiet stillness of my surroundings. I learned that sometimes in order to see, we need to close our eyes, relax the soul and just be. No matter what kind of drama may be playing itself out in your life, the world keeps on turning, the sun keeps on rising, the birds keep on singing, and life does go on. 

Push away from the computer, turn off the Blackberry, switch off the TV, and go experience life...experience happiness...and companionship, love, laughter, spontaneity. GO! Life is out there going on...what are you going to do? Will you chose to let stagnation and mediocrity rule your existence, or will you embrace all the great, exciting, wonderful things out there just waiting to be claimed? Carpe diem...seize the moment people!

Bad Drivers

There is a serious component to driver's ed that is not being implemented, or at the very least it has been forgotten. It is so simple, and yet people refuse to learn to do it properly—parking. It doesn't matter if the lines are slanted on a diagonal, straight, narrow, or wide. I rarely find a vehicle large, or small that falls in between the stripes on the ground. Why even bother painting the stripes in the first place? Chances are, when I return from whatever store I have been in to run whatever errand is on my to do list, there will be a super sized Suburban, or jacked up truck with a swinging steel scrotum sac parked next to me that has haphazardly pulled into the space next to mine. The wheels are always chalked sideways, never forward. The ass end is sometimes over the line, and in my space leaving a gap so small that my nine year old wouldn't be able to open her door much less me open mine. It is at this moment that I wish I drove a piece of crap car, so that I could release my aggression by slamming my driver's door repeatedly into the side of said behemoth. At the very least I'd love to have the balls to leave a nasty message, but I realize all that effort would be lost on an idiot like that, so I go around to the passenger's side of my car and climb over the stick shift cursing like a sailor. I used to drive a gas guzzling Expedition, but I knew how to park the damn thing, so I have little patience for those who don't stay between the lines.

Sometimes I park a mile and a half away from the store just to avoid the parking challenged. Doesn't matter. I'm a magnet for them. They see my tiny little Toyota Corolla and park next to me just to piss me off. I've gotten in the habit of trying to park against a curb, then at least one side of my car is protected. That doesn't matter either. The girls and I still wind up sucking in our guts in order to slide through the twelve inch crack that has been so thoughtfully provided by the asshole who could not manage to park between the white stripes on the ground. I used to park next to the shopping cart return...NEVER do that people, or you'll wind up with a scratch all the way down the side of your forty thousand dollar car compliments again of the thoughtful retard who can't hit the stripes on the ground much less the cart return, which ironically is usually constructed between the lines in the parking lot! 

I don't understand why some people feel entitled to park, or drive for that matter, in any manner they choose. Best I can tell, no one uses that little known safety device attached to the steering column—it's called a blinker, or as the UK more precisely calls it, an indicator. U.S. automakers could save millions by eliminating this useless gadget from their parts list. I just love playing that game (oh, you know the one), why is the car in front of me riding the brakes? 'Cause they're getting ready to turn, only you don't know which way because they aren't using the blinking stick so kindly provided for them by GM, Ford, Volvo, Lexus, Honda, and the list goes on. I wish I could carry around a bag of rotten tomatoes and hurl one at every jackass that doesn't provide a directional signal. I've seen people whose hands are too full trying to juggle cell phone, cigarette, coffee, and steering wheel; making it physically impossible for them to even reach their blinker. Call me crazy, but if memory serves me correctly, it takes two hands to operate a motor vehicle, not two knees. 

Clearly, I have issues when it comes to bad drivers! I just think people should exercise a little common courtesy when they climb into their rides and head off into the world—acknowledge me with a wave when I let you turn out of a busy intersection, use your turn signal well in advance of turning instead of at the last minute, or not at all, park between the lines provided in the parking lot, use your cell phone sparingly, or get a Bluetooth accessory, which will free up both of your hands, if people are passing you in the fast lane for god's sake move over, find your gas pedal when you pull out right in front of me, and finally, for the love of God, at least drive the posted speed limit! 

Rant over. 

Be Exceptional

Friday night in America. Somewhere a family is gathering up towels, flip-flops and water wings after a long day at the pool. Another family is headed out to dinner and a movie, yet another will throw hamburgers on the grill with neighborhood friends...talk, laugh and listen to good music. Someone is driving the family Suburban home after one last beach vacation before school starts on Monday. The sound of the tires rolling down the highway lulls the kids to sleep, and the inside of the SUV smells like old leather, sunscreen, and wet towels. As the sun dips below the horizon, fireflies begin their hypnotic dance, avoiding the little girl in pigtails trying to catch them...bats come out of hiding to feast on pesky mosquitoes...honking geese are heard from overhead...a train blows its whistle somewhere down the tracks. 

Somewhere there is a woman who longs for some normalcy in her life. These idyllic musings are what define normal for her. She thinks about her life....her whole life, and realizes that nothing about it has ever been normal by definition. She tried so hard for a "normal" life and failed. Perhaps it is not in the cards for her to ever be normal...perhaps it has always been up to her to be exceptional....to live an exceptional life. She will have to sit with this awhile. She really has no idea where her life is heading, but she holds a vision in her mind and hopes.

Crazy Love

Does everybody have that one person from their past that they still carry a torch for? It doesn't have to even be a torch really...could be a candle, or even a tiny smoldering ember. It's always there, though, somewhere in the back of your mind, eating away a little bit of your heart with every rhythmic beat. Maybe it was a passionate love affair that ended abruptly, and left you craving more. Maybe it was true love, but the timing was all wrong. Maybe it ended badly, and you wish you could have a do over. Whatever the case may be, this person, this love, still lingers. 

Love is unkind, cruel, harsh, and unfair. It is also magical, beautiful, uplifting, and rare. What is it about this single emotion that makes us crazy. We chase love our entire lives hoping to find it, and when we think we have, we become selfish, jealous, needy, clingy and desperate in order to hang on to it. Well, that is not the way to hold on to love, now is it? It has taken me a very long time to understand that. Holding tightly to someone isn't the way to keep them. It's all about letting go. I have long since extinguished the flame I used to carry. My heart is free to start the chase all over again, but for now I think I'll just sit on the sidelines, and rest awhile.

Fall or Fly

Today was a good day—no, today was a great day. I don't know what miracles are taking place in the Universe right now, or who is out there sending me positive energy, but today I felt it, and I give thanks. I feel rejuvenated, cleansed, peaceful, and blissfully happy for no reason whatsoever. I just woke up feeling and knowing that my life right now is like the calm before the storm, but in all the best ways possible. Once I made the decision to let go—really let go of all the emotional baggage, old habits, unhealthy feelings, worry, fear and negativity—it took a few days to hit me, but I'm free. I am no longer a prisoner of my past. I have a clean slate, a chance to start fresh! Excitement has replaced fear, giddiness has replaced worry, confidence has replaced insecurity. I can be, do, or have whatever my heart desires because of letting go, having faith, and accepting all the wondrous things I know are in store for me.

A few months ago, I made a choice for change. I stepped blindly out into a strange new reality. It was up to me whether I would fall or fly. Honestly, I fell flat on my face a couple of times, got all caught up in the unexpected emotional aftermath of it all, but now there is an inner peace that whispers in my soul...when the time is right, you will not only fly, you will soar.

Monday Morning Wake Up Call

The construction crew at the marina behind my house got an early start this morning. I pried my eyeballs open and glanced at the clock...0710...ugh! I rolled over and put a pillow over my head in an attempt to drown out the noise. I really wanted to be aggravated and pissed off that I was awake. I was having a really good dream, too! I lay there for a short while, and decided that maybe there was a reason for me to be up. Maybe instead of starting the day with a negative attitude, I should embrace the day and all good things the Universe is bringing me this moment. I crept down the hall and looked in on my two sleeping beauties who were oblivious to all the commotion happening just outside their window. I smiled and gave thanks for them—my greatest joy.

Right now, for me, it takes a conscious effort to maintain an upbeat, happy attitude. Perhaps with a little work and some consistency, it will eventually become something that comes as naturally as breathing. Worry and negativity are wasted emotions, I know. They weigh down your spirit and rob you of your energy. So, for today anyway, I made a choice to let happiness override my initial knee jerk reaction to start the day being mad because a bulldozer woke me up. Hell...maybe that is some kind of message. Hey Traci...this is the Universe...been trying to get you to wake up so that I can make all your dreams come true, but you have to actually be awake in order to receive them!! Yep, time to clear out the cobwebs, shake off the funk and start participating in my life. Like attracts like and nothing great will ever come to me if my attitude doesn't reflect it first.

Sometimes it just takes a bulldozer to wake you up! 

Lessons

I lay in bed until the wee hours of this morning listening to my thoughts drown out the soft, rhythmic hum of the ceiling fan. I thought about my family and friends and gave thanks. I tried to picture my life six months from now...a year from now...ten. Who will I be? Where will I be? Will I be happy? Will I be successful? Will I be in love? Alone? I wondered..what lessons am I supposed to be learning right now? Patience to be sure, tolerance maybe, acceptance, or maybe I'm just learning that I have to let it all go and in doing so, some or all of what I'm looking for will find me. If it doesn't then I have to learn to be okay with that, too. I just wish I could shake this feeling that I'm waiting for my life to start. I feel like a sprinter poised at the ready waiting for the signal to start the race. Why can't I pick up my feet and get moving already? Where is my excitement, my enthusiasm, my passion? How long will this feeling last? Why do I feel unable to change it? I know all about life's ups and downs and I'm ready for the ups to come back around thank you very much! This I know for sure—it will be interesting to look back on this time in my life and see what life taught me, to see the lessons I learned.

For My Mom

This last month would have been unbearable were it not for your gentle guiding hand and your daily words of inspiration. You remind me every day of my value and worth in this world, and you never let me forget that I can do anything, be anything, even if I don't believe it myself right now, you do. You calm my spirit when I am anxious. You comfort me in sadness. You made me understand that I don't need to see the big picture, that it's okay not to have all the answers right now, this second. Be patient...you say...because you will see that in time everything you are dreaming of will come to you. Your best years are yet to come, they are right in front of you. 

Thank you for my life. Thank you for knowing when to give me tough love and when to save me. Thank you for your unwavering support throughout my crazy life. Thank you for laughter and silliness. Thank you for teaching me about etiquette, sophistication, and how to enter a room. I am who I am because of what you've taught me and because I am yours. Somewhere along the timeline of my life I think part of me forgot that. Thank you for letting me be me. You are my touchstone, you always have been. 

I love you.

Good Things

I know I quite often say that anything is possible, or that everything happens for a reason...both of which are firmly held beliefs...Well, the Universe sent me an angel today to help remind me to hold fast to my faith....

I was in a foul mood this morning. No need to rehash why, but the last thing I wanted to do was get in the car and drive the girls to the mall. A friend listened to me vent (thank you, btw), and then told me to just go have fun with my girls. I took the advice to heart, tried to lighten my mood, and headed out the door knowing the mall is the last place you want to be when you have no money to spend. Our first stop, and my favorite store on the planet...Barnes and Noble!

I am a confessed book-a-holic. Barnes and Noble is like my crack house. The doors open up and it hits you...the smell of new books, and fresh hot lattes being ordered up somewhere in the store. For me, it's a place of anonymity...serenity...a place I can go to calm the voice within, and slow the world down if only for a brief moment in time.

Bookstores remind me of being in an elevator...the music is crappy, no one talks to you, no one makes eye contact, and I like that. I was making my way through the New Age section when I was taken by surprise by a petite little woman who began talking to me. She complained about the music...I grinned...she went on about corporate assholes who sit in their offices deciding what crap to make us listen to...she talked about her shoes...I listened politely and intently...smiling all the while. She was a captivating spirit to say the least. The last thing she did was pull a book from the shelf. She opened it up, and shared a couple of her favorite passages with me. When she was finished, she smiled...a smile that seemed to beam straight from deep within her soul, and then placed the book in my hands. She turned on her heel to walk away, stopped, and said...

"Your light is bright, you know...good things are going to happen for you."

"Really?" I asked, still smiling.

"Oh yes, good things."

And with that she turned and left...left me standing in the middle of Barnes and Noble with cold chills running up my spine and utterly speechless. I looked at the book she had placed in my hand, and you could have knocked me over with a feather...Notes From The Universe...yeah, I got more than a note today. I think I got a shout out from the Universe!

To Helen Back

A short forty-five minute drive from my new diggs you can be in chintzy Bavarian heaven. I'd never been to Helen, so I decided to take the girls and see what all the fuss was about. Aside from a traffic jam...yes, traffic jam...(only in my Universe does this happen) in Cleveland, GA., the ride was uneventful. It reminded me a little bit of our drive to Dollywood years ago, minus the one-stop-shop wedding chapel/small engine repair/putt-putt golf! There was no shortage of cheesy log cabins with jacuzzi tubs for rent. The antiques market must be a booming business because there seemed to be one every hundred yards or so—even my daughter remarked at the spectacle...Mom, that's not even an antique shop...it's someone's house. That's unky.....

Pulling into this mock little German town I expected...I don't know what I expected. Having actually been to Germany, I could see some symmetry, but my girls laughed...laughed! Look at the Subway...hahaha...look at the Days Inn...hahaha...look at the Wendy's...hahaha...You get my point. Their laughter cracked me up, and by the time we pulled in to park we were all laughing hysterically. We laughed even more shopping at the Hansel and Gretel candy store where my youngest had to have decorative gumballs. Two of them set me back eight bucks. Mommy's laughter was a controlled attempt to keep from screaming. A little cursing under my breath quelled the urge, and I felt a little better. After strolling around, taking the mandatory tourist snapshots and popping in some of the overly priced tourist trap novelty shops (where, btw, the girls each had to have a bag of shiny rocks) they were ready to leave. I looked at my watch—we'd only been there thirty minutes.

So, now I can say that I've been to Helen, GA. I paid eight dollars for a couple of gumballs and got twenty dollars worth of shiny rocks. I made a memory today, though, with my girls and you can't put a price on that!!

Boob Girdle

You know, it's the little things in life that truly make me giddy. I became so excited recently when I discovered I could wear my nice bras once again. Seriously, this time last year I was sporting a contraption that looked like a boob girdle. It had about 17 hooks in the back and three yards of fabric. Once I was all strapped in and trussed up, I was unable to take a deep breath for fear the industrial grade steel used to form the underwire might impale me. Where there should have been boobs~sss~plural...the big girl bra did more lifting and smashing than lifting and separating...there was just boob. I had this monoboob jutting out from my frame like a shelf. Add to that: gray hair, chin whiskers, back fat, and a great big ass...oh yeah, I was a vision. 

Fast forward a year and I've finally got my figure back. Hallelujah!! I opened the drawer containing my most expensive collection of lingerie...Wacoal, Chantelle, lacy, frilly, sexy...YES!! Like I said, giddy. People who have never been overweight don't know the thrill, the little ball of excitement you get in your stomach when you rediscover your body—things like, having two boobs instead of one, being able to sit legs criss-cross, walking without your thighs rubbing together, slipping into your favorite pair of blue jeans, or most pleasantly surprising of all, being noticed. At my age, and with all I've been through it's nice to feel like a woman again. I'm not quite where I want to be yet, but I'm gettin' there, and I think it will be sweeter the second time around.

Take A Moment

One of my favorite sensations in all the world, is feeling the wind blow. Not wind blown like riding in a convertible, or speeding across the water in a ski boat. I'm talking about the gentle breeze that comes rustling through the trees and softly caresses your being. Lucky for me, there is almost always a breeze coming off the lake. I take a moment, close my eyes, feel the warm sun on my face, feel the wind whip up tiny tendrils of hair that tickle my lips, and imagine I am the puffed white seedling of a dandelion waiting for a favorable current to carry me away. I love strong winds right before the deluge of a rainstorm, too. Senses heightened—you can see the trees bowed over succumbing to the wind shear...you can hear branches creak and moan as they bend, sway and gnash together in a tangled dance...and you can smell the approaching rain. It is as humbling as it is beautiful to me.

This living, breathing planet on which we live gives us eye candy to behold every day. Sometimes we (I) get so wrapped up in self that we forget to stop and enjoy what God has so lovingly given us...the sun, moon, stars, wind, rain, mountains, oceans, ladybugs, daises...big or small, what sensation takes you out of self and makes you ponder the bigger picture? Maybe it's having your toes in the sand as you stare into an infinite horizon, maybe it's the smell of freshly cut grass on a Saturday morning, or songbirds at your window in the early pre-dawn hours. This is truly appreciating all that life has to offer. Be in the moment, enjoy the moment...because this moment is your life.

Tears

Last night while the rest of you enjoyed the fireworks displays at whatever gatherings you attended, I was soaking in a nice hot tub. I was hoping the water, bubbles and wine would help me relax; help me forget, just how lonely these past couple of days have been. I'm really good at alienating people, and I thought I was good at being alone. As I lay there listening to distant booms and pops from people celebrating with their families, I began to cry—really sob for the first time in a long time. I pulled my knees up under my chin, my body shaking. The tears came, silently at first, and then like a dam bursting, the emotional flood erupted. Tears came in waves of regret for all the mistakes I've made, they came with feelings of sorrow over two failed marriages, and they came with anguish over pushing away one of the best friends I've ever had in my life.

When the well of tears was run dry, I lay in bed with lingering snubs that lulled me into a dreamless sleep. This morning my face looked like someone used it for a punching bag—all of the emotion of last night showing up in physical form this morning. I guess everyone needs a good cleansing cry every now and then. My heart is full of sadness today, and I long for the laughter that once dwelled there.

Be Careful What You Wish For

When your entire life has been about your children, it's hard letting go—even (and especially in my case) if it's into the hands of their own father. This weekend families will gather 'round, eat tasty barbecue, laugh, mingle and ooohhh and aaahhh over fireworks' displays. I will spend it alone, with a glass of wine thinking back on all of the Fourth of July holidays spent in the company of those I loved.

I struggle to find my place...find myself...in this new life of my own making. Instead of freedom, confidence and a strong sense of self, suddenly I feel misunderstood, unsure and keenly aware that I don't know how to live for me. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself for the next three days. What a wonderful gift I have been able to give my children...myself...all of me...so much so that I am incomplete without them. I am like a child learning to walk for the first time. I know I will stumble, but who will be there to pick me up, brush me off and set my feet back on the right path? Me, that's who. I chose this life, now it's up to me alone to live it. Be careful what you wish for, because good or bad, you just might get it.

 

Givin' Up On Bein' Got

Finding someone in this life who understands you—really understands, really gets who you are and actually wants to, is like searching for the Holy Grail, you begin to wonder if it even exists. Forget about ever finding someone who will love you no matter what, without condition—you'd sooner find a unicorn, or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I hear my childlike inner voice sassing me...just because you haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Well, let me tell you I'm all done lookin'. If it is out there, it's going to have to come looking for me, and it better show up looking like a mythical creature in order for me to believe.

If you are in a relationship and you are saying...but I do love my husband/wife no matter what...think about this—loving someone unconditionally means you love them with perfect love despite their flaws. So, when your husband leaves his tighty whiteys on the bathroom floor, skid mark side up for you to ogle...do you show perfect love? When your wife packs on thirty pounds and watching her eat triggers your gag reflex...do you show perfect love? When the two of you share a king sized bed and only occupy four or five inches of the edge to avoid touching each other...is that a display of perfect love? What about snoring, backseat driving, morning breath, nose hairs, saggy tits, nagging, toenail clippings, forgetting to close the lid, body odors, infidelity, etc., etc., etc....do we exercise perfect love?

Yeah well, what do I know. I'm a twice divorced mother of two who will probably wind up alone with a bunch of cats. My faith is shaken.

The Road Ahead

Two weeks ago, today, I started my new life. Gone is the emotional overload that accompanied this change...stress, anticipation, anxiety, sadness, excitement, fear...I haven't really had time to fully process this whole experience. A week of unpacking and getting settled was followed by shopping for miscellaneous necessities that go toward making a household function. Then there was a family reunion to distract me from the stark reality of my situation—which was great by the way. Now, without any kind of frantic schedule looming on the horizon, I'm left thinking...what next?

My life is just that now...my life. I will always have a connection to my past, and I will always be a mother to two amazing girls, but suddenly I don't feel defined by that any longer. Who am I? What do I want from life? The landscape before me is vast, wide open, a long road stretching into an empty horizon. Will the road ahead be rough, filled with potholes and roadblocks? Will it be a scenic highway with fantastic points of interest to enjoy? Will I be a lonely traveler, or will I have company on my journey? My life at this moment is the very definition of the unknown. 

 All of us face an uncertain future, so I am not unique in not knowing what is in store. For me, however, it is the first time in my adult life that I am on my own. I alone hold the keys to open whatever doors I choose. It is up to me to be fearless and passionate in my pursuit of happiness and success. I intend to make each moment count, to make each day memorable, and to live life out loud...with my whole heart...accepting whatever the Universe has in store for me, be it road bumps-a-lot or the scenic highway.

Coppertone, Chlorine and Sunshine

After a week of moaning, begging, and sullen, forlorn stares, I finally gave in and took the girls to Lake Lanier Beach and Water Park today. My anxiety was twofold—first I haven't been in the sun, tanning bed, or even applied the first drop of self tanner in about two years. Looking at me in bright direct sunlight is probably akin to someone shining a Xenon flashlight into your eyes when you're not expecting it, so I stayed in the shade most of the day. Secondly, I haven't donned a swimsuit in about a year. Seeing pictures of myself circa Spring Break '08 cured me of ever wanting to be seen in public again, much less in a swimsuit. I weep for that poor woman and the sadness that consumed her. I nervously rifled through the various sizes and brands of swimsuits I've collected over the years—Victoria's Secret...not quite yet...Land's End...not that big anymore...Old Navy...too cutesy...I finally slipped into a black one piece, and breathed a sigh of relief...perfect. 

One thing about being half naked in a crowd is that there is always someone, or many someones who look worse than you do. People, let me tell you, I thought Six Flags was the place to go to feel better about yourself, well—two words, water. park. Oh yeah. I walked outta that place feelin' downright sexy, baby!! Some of the worst sights weren't the back fat and cellulite, but the dark, leathery, wrinkled skin. It was frightening. I mean, there comes a point when you are tan enough. Admittedly, everyone looks better in the summer with a sun kissed glow, but these people looked sun dried! Every once in a while I'd catch one of them curiously looking over at me in the shade, in my big sun hat and dark glasses at which point I would casually cross my legs, making sure the sun's rays reflected off my alabaster skin causing them momentary blindness...yeah...enjoy your melanoma...I'm going to look as young as I can for as long as I can, thank you very much!! 

My favorite part of today was coming home. The girls smelled like Coppertone, chlorine and sunshine. Their cheeks pink and freckled, and their faces alight with smiles. The pure, honest smiles that only come from children. Yeah, it is in these moments that they show me what life is all about...they make me a better person...they become my teachers...they never let me forget my inner child...Never take for granted the little things, or the present moments, for it is in them that we will find ourselves.

A New Beginning

Well, the hard part is over, at least that's what I'm hearing. From an emotional standpoint I can see some truth in that, but from a new beginning perspective the outlook is frightening. For instance, everyone knows that moving sucks. Let me tell you it sucks even more when you are on a tight budget and have to do it yourself. My body is so racked with pain this morning I feel like I've been strapped to some kind of medieval torture device for the last two days. To add insult to injury, I was soooo looking forward to a nice hot shower last night to help ease my battered old body into a dreamless sleep. What I got instead was more pain and agony. Whoever installed the shower head in this place was a sadist—the devil himself I tell you. I felt like I was being pressure washed by thousands of little tiny sharp needles. I had to turn the water off in order to lather up, and then dance around with my arms shielding my most delicate parts once the water was back on. I don't think I got all the soap off me, but I was too tired to care.

Sleep came quickly for me, mercifully. The dawn came just as quickly, unfortunately. I had to reach for my sleep mask at 7:00 this morning when the sun pierced through my blinds and burned a hole in my eyelids. As it turns out, this townhouse gets full frontal sun all day, and my bedroom is, you guessed it—in the front. By nine o'clock this morning my room was easily ten degrees hotter than the back of the house. It felt like a few degrees hotter than hell to me. Anyone who knows me, knows that the first thing on my list of things to do today is to find room darkening shades...blackout blinds...black paint...whatever it takes to cool me off!!! So, I get to go spend more money today that I don't have, to fix shower heads, and the bedroom sauna, but there is a smile on my face and the faith that everything is going to be just fine.

Happiness

What is happiness? We can all name one happy moment, or perhaps the most happy moment in our lifetime, but consider this, were those moments merely external snapshots of the greater experience of happiness that lies deep within? Inside each and every one of us is the answer—we alone hold the key. We make a conscious choice every day about how we are going to live...happy, sad, joyous, hopeless, indifferent. 

I have chosen for a very long time to live for someone else. I have been the rock, the foundation, the glue, the constant that has held a family together for years. I have sacrificed my happiness again and again in order to do the right thing, but there has to come a time when you say, I'm sorry, but I've had enough. It's time for me to experience my happiness. It's time for me to stand on my own, really stand on my own for the first time in my life and I'm absolutely fine with that. More than fine. I will look for that silver lining for I am the eternal optimist. I will find my happiness. I have faith in that. I have hope...always hope.

A Gift

Leo Buscaglia wrote..."Love is always bestowed as a gift...freely, willingly, and without expectation. It is offered even when not acknowledged or appreciated. We don't love to be loved, we love to love."

I read those words and think...that is me. You know, when you've gifted your heart away a few times and had it flattened with a meat tenderizer, or had it gasping for air because it was being held on to too tightly, or it was simply forgotten about and neglected, then why in the world would you ever do it again? I read those three sentences and I know why. Love should always be given freely. When you love someone you are giving a gift—a gift to them as well as to yourself. Love should never come with conditions or expectations. Love is not a contract between two people it is a union of souls. Finding that one person in all the world whose soul mirrors your very own is a rare thing I believe. Lucky are those who gift their hearts to one another and treasure that gift for a lifetime. My hopeful heart tells me anything is possible.

It's Time

Knowing who you are and what you want from life can either be a blessing or a curse. It takes courage to live life honestly...right from the heart. I am learning what nerves of steel really means. Sometimes it feels like I may buckle under the strain of the circumstances in my life, but somehow I keep moving...keep stepping forward, as if a gentle hand is nudging me on. Hope is a small glowing ember burning in my soul waiting for the winds of change to slowly fan the delicate coal to life. It's the very thing that keeps me going every day—hope.

It's time for me to be stronger than I ever imagined I could be. It's time for me to step out on my own for the first time in many, many years. It's time for me to cast away doubt and fear, and embrace life. It's time for me to let go of the past as I look toward the future. It's time for me to jump in with both feet and accept all the happiness and love that the Universe has waiting for me. It's time....

The Power of Music

Music is a powerful thing. Everyone likes music—at least that's what I assume, but for some of us, music is as much a part of daily life as breathing. For people like us, one simple song can flood the heart and touch the soul, stirring a cauldron of emotions within. You can be changed forever by a song. I remember the song playing on the radio echoing through the empty house where I grew up, the day we moved out...Eye in the Sky by the Alan Parsons Project. R.E.M's Murmur was in the cassette deck of my 1983 Ford Escort the night I lost my virginity. I cried all the way home. Annie's Song by John Denver makes me believe in a love that will last forever—how lucky we would be to find someone who evokes that depth of emotion.

I very nearly had a singing career, but for whatever reason, God had other plans for me. I still sing every day. I sing for myself, I sing for my girls, and I used to kick ass at the local sports bar on Karaoke night. Small potatoes for a girl who has been on stage in Nashville. My love for country music is bittersweet. It's all I used to listen to until I got burned by the industry. I find myself softening to it again though. Country music has some of the most beautiful, meaningful lyrics in all the world. It feels like coming home after being away on a very long journey. I am thankful to have had it brought back into my life.

Music is divine. It touches the soul, it lifts you up, it brings you to tears. Music is a common thread that binds us all in the end, whether you feel a passion for it or not. True music lovers feel it...we feel it...way deep down in our very being. It is a part of who we are. Take away our music, and you take away the very air we breathe. Yes, music is a powerful thing indeed.

Finding My Wings

I wish I could adequately emote my feelings into words today. Days are passing quickly, decisions need to be made—it's time to move on. My life right now feels like waking from a dream in an unfamiliar room, in pitch black darkness, fumbling for the door that will surely bring the light. Half of me feels like a small child wanting to stand still and scream until someone comes and opens that door for me. The other half urges me to be brave, to be calm in the darkness, so that I can find my way to the door and open it myself. In doing so I will give my spirit the gift of knowing that I can survive anything. I have survived many challenges in life that would have felled lesser women. I am strong, stubborn, willful, and independent. Although not bad traits to possess, I can see now that they have held me back in recent years from achieving my own happiness. So, now I'm going to use those traits that kept me grounded, and I'm going to find my wings. 

Knowing

The silence in this house is deafening. Once again, I am alone with my thoughts...a writers dream...to have a head full of material and a blank page to fill. Only, there is so much going on in here that I am having a hard time with any kind of sustained train of thought. My inner thoughts all a buzz sound like a crowded restaurant on a Saturday night, or a dive bar with bad Karakoe blaring away in the background. I haven't been sleeping well. The thoughts never rest, which consequently means I'm not getting rest. They just tumble around up there like a load of wet tennis shoes in the dryer...it's taking it's toll, believe me. I look like hell. I'll bet I've aged ten years in the last two weeks. 

When I am unable to sleep, I climb into bed with one of my daughters. Last night it was my oldest; she has a birthday tomorrow. I watched as she slept peacefully, and I wondered what it is she dreams about. I gently traced the outline of her beautiful face and whispered...I love you. Sometimes you just have to have faith in yourself that you are doing what is best, and that Love is strong enough to overcome any circumstance. I have to trust that I have done well thus far in preparing them for life. Still—I am scared. Their happiness is paramount, and I know the months ahead will put that to the test. My situation is not unique, sadly. I have been where my children are, although, I was much younger. I know from my own experience that they will be just fine. I have to trust that. They are after all much stronger and wiser than I ever was. 

I know the time will come when the constant hum of the thoughts in my head will subside. I know blessed slumber will find me eventually. I know that someday the warmth of my heart will return the glow to my face. I know that everyone deserves abundant happiness in their life. I know...we will all be just fine.

Green Tree, Singing Bird

There is a Chinese proverb that says, keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come. 

Well, through all of life's difficulties that sage advice is hard to follow. Maintaining a positive attitude, being optimistic about your circumstances, having hope for the future, all seem impossible when making tough, life changing decisions. Inversely, I do have faith, that I will survive this. Using my God given free will I am making a choice for change, and as we all know change is uncomfortable as hell. I have no idea what is in store for me. None. I am more scared than I have ever been in my adult life, but somewhere in my soul I know I am going to be just fine. So, I will do the only thing I know how to do, put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing. Hopefully, my green tree will be strong and beautiful enough one day to attract that singing bird and there will once again be a song in my heart.

Absolute Solitude

Today I feel as alone in the world as I have ever felt. Loneliness has new meaning for me this moment...it is tangible and alive, a living breathing entity doing its best to swallow me whole. The house is dark, eerily still and quiet. There is no sound, no T.V., no stereo, nothing. Even the dogs are silent. There is only the sound of my beating heart, and my slow deliberate breaths. I wonder how I am able to breathe at all. My soul must be keeping my body alive and moving for this pain would surely have killed me by now. It is hard being an emotional wreck and having to bury the grief for the sake of watchful, perceptive, innocent eyes. It is hard to think about life changes and the road ahead. It is hard listening to your head argue with your heart. Life is hard. Life is not fair. This I know for certain, I cannot stop my soul from longing any more than I could stop the tide from rolling in. It is as much a part of me right now as the absolute solitude I feel all the way down to the core of my being.

Longings

What do you do when you wake up in the morning and feel empty—like a fragile shell that could shatter into a million pieces at the slightest breath of air. My heart aches today with actual physical pain that spreads throughout my body, a feeling I am not familiar with, actual heartache. There is an icy loneliness in my soul despite the warm laughter of my children just moments ago. I have lived my life for them these past years with a love that only God Himself can measure. I realize now that, too soon they will pull away from the threadbare apron strings that tie them so closely to me, as they try and find themselves in this world. What will my life be after that? 

I want to feel love and happiness again. I want purpose in my life. I want success and prosperity. I want to laugh until it hurts, every day. I want to sit on a white sand beach cradled in the arms of someone I can't live without. I want to sing. I want to hike into the mountains and skinny dip in a crystal clear pool of water. My soul longs for such things. I want to put aside my fear and have the courage to experience life—my life lived on my terms. 

Selfish? Hell yes it's selfish, but we owe it to ourselves to be happy in this life. Life is short after all. Do we waste it? Do we squander our gift? Life is a gift. Life should not be a chore or a rut or monotonous. There is nothing wrong with wanting more from life. Perhaps that is why the heart aches. It is an announcement to the soul to get on with the business of living, loving and laughing...you just have to be willing to surrender to it.

Naked Emotion

My life right now is so surreal. My heart is full of questions. Will closing one door open another that offers more beauty, wonder and happiness than I can imagine? Or, will closing that door leave me in the dark, alone, frightened and lost? Too many times in my life I have relied on another person to make me happy, and what I've learned, is that that is impossible. You have to be happy with yourself, and then find someone who can share in that happiness. You have to love yourself before you can ever truly love someone else. What if you didn't know that at the beginning of a relationship? What if all that knowledge and enlightenment came later? Would you still look at your loved one through the same eyes? Would you slowly, maybe even subconsciously reel your heart back in because the one you gave it to so willingly, so long ago, had forgotten to tender it? What do you do when you feel you have no more love to give? The hardest thing you ever have to do in this world is tell someone that you want your heart back. The danger of being able to feel your heart again are the waves of emotion that overwhelm your very soul—pain, sorrow, guilt, regret, resentment, anger, confusion, but also fondness, gratitude, appreciation, and yes...love. Vivid memories of a life together are bittersweet. You know you would not be who you are today without having had the experience. The door is open. You look forward across the threshold into uncertainty and a vast sea of possibility hoping the sunlight is there to brighten your days once again.

Change

Change should be a four letter word. No one really likes change, it's scary and uncomfortable, but what if—what if on the other side of it were more happiness and joy than you ever imagined? Would you still be afraid? 

Changing anything in our life means stepping out from under our warm blanket of familiarity and security and into the unknown. Sometimes we may even go to the edge of our comfort zone and peek at what's over the line, but always retreat back to what we know—it's safe after all. So you have to ask yourself...do I want to play it safe, or do I take a chance? 

We are all changing whether we realize it or not. We grow up, we grow older and wiser. We don't want or need the same things we did ten or twenty years ago. That kind of change happens so subtly, we don't necessarily notice it, but it happens nonetheless. Then sometimes life makes us face change, because of bad choices or decisions we have made, and then we must endure situations like a bankruptcy, or job loss, or loss of a loved one. In those moments we are defined, because on the other side of those hard life changes we learn something about ourselves. Hopefully, we are made stronger, we are made better. 

Making a conscious decision to change something about yourself or your life is the Universe's way of keeping spirit moving forward—to keep it growing. We are here to experience life not just to live it. When your life presents you with the opportunity to have a new experience that makes you want to change I believe that is the soul's way of telling us that we are not fully living. We are missing something, or maybe someone in our life that would make us whole, but we have to have the courage to face change.

Poked, Prodded and Slimed

I can think of a lot of places I'd rather have been yesterday morning than the gynecologist's office. I know it's something I have to do every year, but as I get older I have noticed a few subtle changes. My appointment was for 10:10 and at 10:50 I was still in the exam room. All that waiting gave me time to notice a couple of things. First of all it was freezing. Sitting there in little more than the equivalent of paper towels draped over my shoulders and lap, my feet and hands began turning purple. I started to put my feet in the warming drawer, but the speculum was in my way. Second, I also noticed that the instrument used to swab my cute little cervix was no longer an innocuous longer than average Q-tip. I was horrified to notice the little cotton tip had been replaced with something that resembled a grill scraper. Really....why? Third, I could do without the small talk before the exam, too. If they are going to require me to dredge up the last year of my life in order to make polite conversation then they need to be serving alcohol. Seriously, you could wait with all the other ladies in their paper towel ensembles, and get hammered—at least you'd be warm. Lastly, I really have an issue with the amount of KY required to insert anything into my vagina. They could have driven a tractor trailer in there, and turned the damned thing around with the amount of lubricant used. When it's all over, and you've been poked, prodded and slimed, common courtesy would be to leave something to wipe up the Exxon Valdiz spill between your legs. There wasn't even a box of low grade tissue, so I figured the paper towel dress I had on would have to suffice. What I really needed was another shower. 

I had blood work done this year which I don't normally do, but my mom told me to, and I try and always do what she says. I'm still 12 inside when it comes to her. I really wish people would listen to me when I tell them how to draw my blood. No, I don't have a degree in medicine, but neither should you if you can't do it right. My veins play hide-n-seek when they try to get stuck...can't say that I blame them really...and it takes some amount of skill to get the stick on the first try, apparently. Well, of course the nurse ignored me and guess what happened? I'm sitting there with a needle in my arm and no blood spilling out. I wanted to bitch slap her when she was finished, but I remained cool. I can't wait for next year, I get to have my first mammogram. Now, that should be something to blog about!!

Love and Friendship

Yesterday was my forty-first birthday. Birthdays are a natural time for reflection, I think. I lay on the couch watching my daughters interaction, and smiling with pride at the miracle God has allowed me to share my life with. Love is a powerful thing. The love I feel for them grows stronger and deeper with each passing year. Love affairs may come and go throughout our lives, but a mother's love is the one love that will not fail, will not wax and wane, it's the love we take to the grave—eternal. I wonder if any two people ever feel that way toward one another. Is it possible that two souls could come together, and be so totally and completely right for one another that love is effortless...instant...natural? Is there such thing as a soulmate?

My personal experience with love leads me to be skeptical that there is one perfect person out there who will fill that void completely, but do I believe it's possible, absolutely—anything is possible. Loving somebody else begins with loving yourself first and foremost, and I've never been good at that, but I work on it every day. Sometimes, you meet someone who makes you want to be better, and that too, is rare. We never know why certain people come into our lives or how long they will stay. Some people come back into our lives after a long time, and we wonder how we ever fully lived without them. It is a gift which should not be taken for granted. Some friendships can resemble love I think, because they can last a lifetime. Anyone who is able to find one love, one friend, or maybe that rare person who is both, is very blessed indeed.

A Woman's Worth

Any time we are fortunate enough to be reminded of our worth it's a gift. So often, we shuffle through life in a predictable routine or rut becoming numb to life's nuances and subtleties. We slowly become sleepwalkers in the recurring dream that is our waking life. The scenery never changes, and we lose sight of the little things that used to bring us joy. Some of us give up on ourselves. Some of us live for someone else's happiness. Some just get lonely. We forget who we are because we have lost faith in ourselves. We wear our smile like a mask, hiding the sadness underneath. Our soul becomes crippled with lack of exercise—and then someone shines their light on your face, and unexpectedly wakes you from your slumber. They share their breath with you, making it possible for you to start living again. 

A woman's worth is immeasurable and should never be taken for granted. Sometimes this stubborn old woman needs a wake up call to remind her of this fact. I have laughed more this week than I can tell you. I look forward to each new day with renewed enthusiasm. My heart races with excitement for what the future may hold. There is a song on my lips, and a spring in my step. Life holds the promise that anything is possible today, right now, this moment and I intend to grab hold of it, and enjoy the ride!! I suggest you all do the same because you are worth it.